9 DAYS IN THE LIFE OF A sound man / tour manager ON THE ROAD WITH 36 CRAZYFISTS FROM ALASKA September 2nd to September 10th 2006 by mark von sound 1. GDAY ? DAY ONE .. And so after a taxi, a train, three underground London tube trains, a bus, a flight to Singapore then the final flight to Sydney I land at 5:15am after leaving my house 30 hours previous plus a 12 hour time difference .. after coming through customs with no grief I am greeted by a huge banner saying .. Gday welcome to Sydney .. GDAY ? what have these convicts done to my language ? .. more of that later .. and here I am an Englishman in Australia and now officially a Pommy Bastard .. I was pretty shattered but so looking forward to seeing my brothers in 36 Crazyfists Mick, Steve, Brock and Thomas and the crew Jakey and Rumble .. and also the good friends in the other two bands on the tour Atreyu and 3 .. with bands and crew there were 24 of us on this tour .. you could call it a travelling circus ! .. and before you say anything I am not the bearded lady ! .. So on arriving I phone the guy who Is running the tour over here and who is meeting all of us .. his name Marshall Charney .. I call and it..s a female voice .. odd I thought .. then soon realised the man who is Marshall Charney is actually a girl called Charney Marshall .. oops sorry ! After collecting the bands we head off to the hotel and it is good to see the Australians drive on the correct side of the road which is on the left .. any Americans reading this I know what your thinking .. shut the f*ck up now ! .. you are wrong end of story ! .. All checked in the hotel .. what do we do .. go to bed and have a messed up sleep pattern ? or go and buy beer and bourbon and drink all day and sleep at a normal time ? .. obviously the later ! .. after few hours in the hotel we ventured into Sydney to a couple of bars .. I pissed one bar off as I was wearing a baseball cap with large writing on the front saying .. cocaine .. I wasnt trying to sell the stuff but had to remove it or Id get kicked out .. but just say if I was trying to sell it would I advertise it on my head ? this notion made me think .. maybe prostitutes could have hats that say .. sex .. terrorists could wear hats that say .. guns .. and tom cruise could have one that says .. shit .. That was my day on Saturday September 2nd 2. CRAZY FAT BEAST DAY TWO .. refreshed by a good sleep and feeling great this is the first time Ive ever woken up on Australian soil and today my first ever show here too .. I was worried the 12 hour time difference was gonna ruin me with the jetlag but it really wasnt that bad .. all the hotel rooms we had over were more like apartments with separate bedrooms, nice big bathrooms, proper kitchens and they all had washing machines and dryers .. perfect .. makes life on the road so much better .. this is the way forward .. We get into the venue at the University .. not sure what to expect .. nice venue, sound-system etc .. Im very pleased with it all and everything went to plan .. but the highlight of the day was when we woke up and discovered our roadie nicknamed Rumble being chased around the hotel apartment by a hungry wombat .. he jumped up on the table screaming get this CRAZY FAT BEAST away from me .. we had to act fast .. so we left a trail of chunks of garlic bread on the floor out of door .. down the stairs and outside .. the wombat leaves feeding its face until it disappears out and its gone .. Rumble was so freaked out he stayed on the table for hours .. he was out of his mind .. like a madman he screamed continuously at the top of his voice .. Youre strapped to the wall man, youre strapped to the wall .. since returning to America hes been having therapy to try and get over his ordeal .. he cant even look at a photograph of a wombat without freaking .. That was my day on Sunday September 3rd 3. STEVE IRWIN DAY THREE .. fly to Brisbane .. after landing in the early afternoon we head to the hotel with just enough time to drop our bags off then head straight to the venue .. the area we were playing in was China town much similar to Soho in London as there were lots of strip clubs too .. but today was a grave day in Australian history .. it was the day which spelt the demise of the Australian national hero Steve Irwin .. as we all know now he was killed following a stingray plunging its barb into his heart .. he was a local lad from Brisbane .. the news hit everyone in the country hard but especially here as their favourite son had come to such an untimely end .. you kind of accepted the guy was invincible due to all his near death experiences with so many man-eating animals .. we were in fact very close to where it happened .. it was just up the coast North of the city .. but back to our gig .. our driver today had the rather sophisticated nickname of Metal ! .. chatting to him we soon discovered that I knew his best friend that he grew up with .. who now lives in the UK .. it really is a small world .. and then realised that he knew one of my best friends from my town .. tiny world .. and so we all had another great show with a good crowd .. but today belongs to the memory of the Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin .. respect .. That was my day on Monday September 4th 4. CRUSH TOES WITH PLIERS DAY FOUR .. another flight today gets us into Adelaide on the South coast .. our Australian stage manager and driver Nigel told us about the anti gay serial killings here .. he said at one point they were fishing body parts out of the river everyday for a month .. Ive done some research into it and couldnt find much info about that .. but did find out about the .. the Snowtown Serial Killers ..Four men were arrested and convicted for the twelve murders .. as a result they will not leave prison for the rest of their lives .. eight of their dismembered victims were taken to Snowtown North of the city .. the remains where found in plastic barrels in an abandoned bank vault .. two more were buried in the backyard of an Adelaide home .. another was found hanging from a tree and the last was wife to one of the killers and has not yet been found .. they took pleasure in torturing their victims until taking their lives in several different evil ways .. one of their favourite agonising tortures was to CRUSH TOES WITH PLIERS .. and the last victim was cooked and eaten by two of them .. following the murders they fraudulently carried on claiming their victims welfare benefits .. which was one of the clues which eventually got them caught .. sick .. I had been looking forward to this show from the moment I got the dates before the tour .. my old mate Rodders lives here .. he worked for a couple of years in my favourite bar The Old Angel in my hometown of Nottingham before moving back to Adelaide .. after the show we drove to the bar he now works at to pick up a case of the local beer Coopers Pale Ale before heading back to our hotel to drink it and crank call lots of our friends in England .. It was great to hang out with him even if it was for such a short period of time .. and I have got to say if you ever get the chance try the Coopers Pale Ale then go for it .. its good clean tasty beer which doesn..t give you bad hangovers even if you only get 3 hours sleep before having to fly again .. Before coming over I was expecting this country to have nice weather but it pissed rain like a monsoon all day .. Today I had a lesson in learning some of the Australian language from Nigel .. you may think they speak English but I disagree .. the phrase I learnt was .. prezzoz for ya relloz at crizzie .. now then that..s not a language thats just nonsense .. these bloody convicts have made a mess of our words ! .. mind you the Pommy Bastard who's writing this struggles with the English language everyday .. if you havent translated that crap it means .. presents for your relatives at Christmas .. That was my day on Tuesday September 5th 5. STARVING BRUCES DAY FIVE .. today is yet another flight this time to Melbourne .. everyones seen Pulp Fiction and the scene when John Travolta is in the car with Samuel L Jackson discussing the little differences regarding McDonalds etc .. well here we are in Oz and they dont have Burger King instead there is Hungry Jacks .. exactly the same in everyway but just a stupid name .. Hungry Jacks? I reckon they should change it to STARVING BRUCES !! .. and there number one chocolate bar is a Cherry Ripe .. I had been told lots about this and was excited to try it .. well .. I was very disappointed when I bit into this nasty cherry flavoured bounty bar .. a nation of people are brought up thinking this is the best thing ever .. well I got a message to you Aussis .. get a grip this thing is shit .. educate yourself with Cadburys ! .. however .. Melbourne is great .. the venue is right in the centre of the city .. and the best thing about it is .. just three minutes away was a Starbucks .. Caramel Macchiato heaven on my door step .. we are here for two days with another show in the same venue tomorrow which means my favourite coffee fix will be satisfied again .. Tonights show is an under 18s show .. this is my idea of hell .. these people are overexcited and very annoying .. as its under 18s the bar of course doesn..t sell alcohol .. but they do sell Red Bull .. these angst ridden hyperactive creatures were knocking back this caffeine energy drink like its going out of fashion .. they were so hyper charging round like speed freaks .. as soon as our show finished I was out of there .. I couldnt wait .. little bastards ! After the show lots of the guys went out drinking .. Atreyu..s soundman John Trip was one of these guys .. one by one people left the bar .. the last few people were returning to the hotel in a taxi .. he realised he had left his glasses in the bar .. ran back in to get them .. couldnt find the specs .. returned outside .. to find the taxi gone .. just get another taxi you think ? .. well .. John didnt know where he was and whats worse he didnt even know the name of the hotel .. so here he is thousands of miles from home .. no bed and no glasses .. he wondered the streets until the next day like the littlest Hobo ..That was my day on Wednesday September 6th 6. THE SUPERHERO BATMAN DAY SIX .. so two shows in a row in this town means not having to get up early and get another damn flight .. so still in Melbourne and still in bed having a much needed sleep in .. so after lunch we cruise into the venue much later than normal as all our equipment is still here from the night before .. thankfully John Trip is here and looking pretty rough but at least hes back with us safe and sound even if he cant see too good .. so of course I pop out to the nearby Starbucks .. caramel mac .. delicious .. I enjoyed the show a lot more today .. it was the over 18s show with no bloody kids in there .. Heres a fact about Melbourne it was discovered in 1834 by THE SUPERHERO BATMAN .. it is home town to Charney and Nigel .. they kept telling me this was the best city in Australia .. I thought yeah yeah they live here and they are biased but you know what ? they were right .. of all the cities we visited it was my favourite .. When in the hotel I shared a room with bass player Mick .. he snores so loud I call him the motorboat .. some people cant deal with it but I dont have a problem and still get to sleep .. however I found myself dreaming of racing powerboats around the canals of Venice but was beaten by a huge paddle steamer driven by Mick .. That was my day on Thursday September 7th 7. BEAR V KANGAROO DAY SEVEN .. so after the previous day with no flight today we are back on the treadmill and fly to Perth .. that morning somehow a kangaroo from a local wildlife reserve had broken loose .. this native Australian animal had found its way into the airport and into the arrivals hall .. most people had escaped but we werent moving until we got all of our luggage .. we had a lot to collect as 24 peoples luggage is a hell of a lot .. Mick our bass player soon realised someone had to take control of the situation .. the kangaroo was causing mayhem .. so Mick calmly walked up to it .. if youve heard these animals do boxing its true .. so he and the kangaroo started boxing .. Micks nickname is the bear .. and I reckon this is the first time there has been BEAR V KANGAROO .. they were slogging it out for ages .. dodging and weaving .. a couple of times the Roo knocked Mick off his feet and was definitely getting the better of him .. until .. Mick drew from his Alaskan inner strength jumped to his feet and knocked the beast six feet in the air with an awesome upper cut .. the Kangaroo was out cold and Mick was victorious .. he truly saved the day .. at this point a dozen Crocodile Dundee look-alikes appeared with a huge net and bagged the animal and dragged it off .. the result of this was Mick was awarded a solid gold boomerang for bravery and was made an honouree Aborigine for the rest of his life .. So on recovering from the events of the airport we drove into the centre of Perth which is the most isolated large city in the world .. Of all the venues we played this is the only one I didnt like so much .. I guess it wasnt that bad I just couldn..t see the band playing or properly hear while I was mixing the sound .. similar to Melbourne we have two shows in two days here .. today is for over 18s and tomorrow for the bastard kids .. another nice hotel tonight which in celebration of the days events myself and Mick drink the mini bar dry .. twice ! .. That was my day on Friday September 8th 8. POOFER BASHING DAY EIGHT .. still in Perth and another much needed sleep in .. even though the gig today is for the little shits .. the bright side is its an early show and all done by 6pm .. a matinee I believe we call it .. resulting in us having the evening for ourselves .. so to celebrate a successful tour of Australia and as it was our last night we head back into town to go to a bar for a few drinks .. whilst at a bar .. myself, Jake the merch guy and Steve the Guitarist were approached by a middle-aged rockabilly type guy with greased back hair and big turn-ups on his jeans .. in a thick Australian accent he asked us if we wanted to go POOFER BASHING with him ? .. this confused us to start with as we didn..t know what the hell he was on about .. he continued to tell us .. we could get some bats and go down the park with him to bash some queers .. we knew exactly what he was talking about now .. he added .. just get em in a headlock and its like clubbing a seal .. we now realised this guy was a complete lunatic .. and then he said .. yeah I..ve been doing it since I was a kid, Id go home and tell my mam and dad what I done, and they love it and say yay youre a good boy .. finally he told us his Abbo mate hit this guy too much so his head was bleedin lots so they ran .. at this point we got f*ck away from him .. we later heard he approached one of the other guys to ask if they wanted to go hippy bashing ! .. wherever you go there are nutters and they always seem to find us ! .. not long after we finished our drinks and headed back to the hotel to drink the mini bar dry again .. That was my day on Saturday September 9th 9. 200 CIGARETTES FOR £7.80 DAY NINE .. we head back off to Perth Airport for yet more flying .. we say our goodbyes to Charney and Nigel .. then we wait for our flight to Singapore .. 8 hours later we arrive at Singapore Airport .. this place is great .. everything you need including smoking lounges everywhere .. and check this out cartons of 200 CIGARETTES FOR £7.80 .. a saving of nearly £50 on getting them in the UK .. so I bought lots .. after the two hour lay over here we take off for Amsterdam to continue the tour with Atreyu and 3 across Europe .. it is my eighth flight in ten days .. so I board the plane get to my window seat lean against the wall and fall asleep .. That was my day on Sunday September 10th In conclusion the tour was a complete success with great shows and great crowds .. the people we worked with on the whole tour were all genuinely good honest folks and so thanks to Charney, Nigel, Dave and Pat .. .. it was great to see my old friend Rodders in Adelaide .. I hoped Id love this country and I wasnt wrong .. even though I really didnt see much of it .. so next time I hope to change that .. I guess it was the people I liked so much .. and yes the water really does go down the sink the other way .. I had an excellent adventure .. I also have a vivid imagination so please dont believe everything I say certain things are fiction ..