ON THE ROAD WITH RUARRI JOSEPH September 6th to September 9th 2007 The Bestival ... Isle Of Wight ... UK by mark von sound DAY ONE ... ELVIS' CONVEYER-BELT OF CHEESE BURGERS Here I am back on my adventures after a couple of weeks off enjoying the sun sea and surf in my new home town Weymouth in Dorset ... well actually there's no surf but 2 out of 3 isn't bad ... The BBC radio news tells me Led Zeppelin are going to reform ... but with Jason Bonham on drums instead of his late father Jon or Bongo as he was nicknamed ... that's quite mad news ... hopefully they can pull it off without it sounding like old men that used to be good ... and if they can then it would be amazing if they headline some festivals next summer ... Then we'll all have the lemon squeezed so the juice runs down your leg ... eh? Plant you nutter !! This adventure spans three weeks of back to back short tours of the UK with first up with a festival with Ruarri Joseph then over from America a tour with Circa Survive then back to Raurri Joseph for a string of dates which takes me up to September 25th ... Today I was slightly sad to leave behind my sun drenched seaside town ... and already I'm looking forward to my return ... The first part of my jouney is taking me one hour and thirty seven minutes East on the train to Southampton where I will meet bus driver Kevan who will drive the big blue double decker tour bus for the first two parts of my triple week expedition ... it'll be good to see Kevan again ... he drove me earlier in the year when I was on the road with the Supersuckers ... As I type this I am sat here on my train ... before sitting down I chose my seat carefully ... the last time I did this journey I sat next to a window with a disc of head grease on it ... nothing short of disgusting ... this time I avoided it like the plague but from here I can see other seats next to windows containing the oily head residue ... I chose wisely ... it's 6:30pm and looking outside the window this is England at it's finest ... beautiful blue skies and for miles disappearing off into the distance a patchwork pattern of rolling fields ... simply breath taking ... there's flocks of sheep and herds of cows grazing in the balmy summer evening ... and one particular cow is managing to spray at high velocity a brown liquid from an outlet situated just beneath it's tail ... it impressively looks like a brown laserbeam ... And what does such a picturesque evening in the country make you want to do? ... well getting blind drunk on scrumpy cider of course ... reminds me of when I was a kid ... in my early teens ... where I grew up in Devon we were not far from a cider farm ... the couple of mile hike out to get it didn't take too long ... especially with eight of us there was lots to keep our minds occupied ... we all chucked 50p into the pot so we get one whole gallon between us ... the walk back took us forever as we passed the plastic eight pint demijohn from teenager to teenager ... I do remember at one point losing the control of my legs and lying in the middle of the road ... thankfully the cars avoided me ... great days ... OK ... back to 2007 and my train ... there is an eight foot tall Welsh man in my carriage ... he has the biggest voice I've ever heard ... it's not just that it's loud ... it's huge ... the sound is amplified from the cavernous caves within him ... when attempting to speak quietly to the old and no doubt deaf woman next to him my eye's were vibrating in the sockets ... I wondered what job he may do ... and concluded after a whole minute of thought that he was indeed the Jolly Green Giant ... HO HO HO ... Today saw the sad loss of opera legend Pavarotti ... he passed away in an Italian hospital ... for me he will always be known as the Elvis of Opera ... however I like neither Elvis or Opera ... but very coincidently brings me onto a dream I had last night ... it was one of those really vivid dreams that seemed so real ... and when you wake up for just a few seconds you believe it just happened ... I worked in the kitchens in the basement of a huge mansion ... my vocation comprised of just three tasks ... but these three tasks took all of my time due to the magnanimous consumption of the humans involved ... my first job was to clean and sharpen Pavarotti's delicatessen ham slicer ... he ate boiled pig morning noon and night and this piece of machinery needed constant attention ... but my main job was to place slices of cheese on ELVIS' CONVEYER-BELT OF CHEESE BURGERS ... he ate thousands each day ... I would get through whole dairies full of cheese on a daily basis just to satisfy his ravenousness excessive gluttony ... and then my third job was done when I had breaks from the other two ... around the huge mansion were fifty big bowls ... these needed to be kept full of lollipops for Kojak ... to keep them all full I'd have a prearranged route around the house mainly through passage ways between walls ... Never once did my path cross with any of the three gentlemen who I served ... Aboriginals say that the dream state is reality and vice verse ... I hope not ... It's strange that Kojak (aka Telly Savalas) and Elvis are both no longer alive and the night I have this dream Pavarotti dies the next day ... maybe this was a sign ... maybe I am connecting with the after life ... maybe I have a special gift ... maybe these legends needed to communicate through me ... or maybe I have vivid imagination and made it all up !! ... Shortly after my mind ran away with itself I purchase an egg mayonnaise sandwich ... I'd consumed the first triangle of savoury huevero snack then read on the packaging ... use by 2250 ... wow ... the facts in front of me were suggesting I had another 243 years to eat the second triangle of savoury huevero snack ... not wishing to devote my life to truly discover the longevity of my sandwich ... I devour it with gusto ... At 7:37pm I arrive at the Southampton Airport train station ... soon after I meet up with my old friend Kevan or rather the Shagster as he's more commonly known ... then back to his house to drop off my bags before going straight out to the pub for a swift couple of pints of the black gold ... aka Guinness then back to his in time to crash out for a few hours of sleep before tomorrows very early start ... That was my day on September 6th 2007 DAY TWO ... OVERHANGING FOREHEAD AND ONE BIG TOOTH I am in a huge venue in London ... I know not which and on stage playing is one of my very favourite comedians called Bill Bailey ... but for a reason unknown to me the show is thwarted half way through due to a power cut ... luckily I had my torch with me so I could move about with self illumination ... as I negotiate the darkened venue a voice shouts down to me ... "hey you with the torch" ... "I say torch man" ... I look up only to have Mr Bill Bailey himself talking to me ... I reply "Yes, what can I do for the one they call Bill Bailey?" ... he says "With haste please visit a local fish and chip shop and purchase me a bag of chips and a pickled egg ... and be generous with the salt'n'vinegar" ... I left the venue to walk the local streets in search of the necessary fish and chip shop ... I order and collect the savoury food and return to the venue ... As I enter the pitch-black theatre from nowhere all the lights explode on ... what was happening? I sit up in bed it's 4:48am in the morning ... I'm in Kevan's spare room ... Now all I've had is less than four hours of slumber ... I must have been in my deepest sleep but still my brain's very own clock knew to wake me up ... How did I know to wake up and switch my alarm off before it made an awful din? At 5:20am we get a taxi still in the dark of the night a long time before the breaking of dawn ... we arrive at the bus depot across Southampton ready to fire up our blue double decker sleeper bus ... we drive North East to London to pick up the band and gear ... we make good time so stop for breakfast sustenance enroute at a motorway service station ... with no choice but to got for the only place open ... a f*cking Little Chef ... nasty food ... small portions ... very expensive price ... for my spoonful of baked beans ... hash brown ... seven sliced mushrooms ... two triangles of toast ... and an egg ... I paid £6:49 ... robbing bastards ... however there was unlimited ketchup ... feeling ripped off we roll into London to meet the band and pick up their musical equipment in Shepherds Bush ... It was great to see them all excited to get on ... it was their first tour bus experience so they were like kids in a sweet shop ... aw bless !! ... So soon after 9am we hightail it straight back down the same road we drove up to get here ... but this time going to Portsmouth from where we will catch our ferry ... but before that we needed to stop off at Tesco's and stock up on beer for the weekend ... so several shopping trolleys later we load seventeen assorted cases of beer and one of Strongbow cider in the downstairs back lounge of the bus ... and maybe a doughnut or two also ... Next stop is the ferry to the Isle Of Wight ... we had to catch the 1:30pm crossing otherwise we were screwed as all were fully booked so there was no plan B ... but we make it fine for the short floating journey ... On arriving on his small island we still had to find the festival ... most of the traffic was directed down a road which was unsuitable for such a big bus ... so we had to find our own way ... after several laps of the island we eventually discover the correct road ... the sat nav was no help ... before we knew it we turned into Robin Hill Park ... surely named after Jimmy Hill and Robin Hood ... a man ... big chin ... beard ... robbed the rich and gave to the poor ... Now on site there was the predictable confusion giving us our passes but it eventually got resolved ... so once parked up we needed to take our guestlist and hand it in to the appropriate cabin at the gate ... And it was here I couldn't believe my eyes ... there were several Police dogs and handlers wondering amongst the festival goers arriving from the busses from the ferry ... these dogs were sniffing out all manner drugs ... with small amounts people were just given a warning but we did see several arrests ... One guy had a burley Police officer on each arm and leg ... he struggled screaming ... "I've never seen them before" ... "they're not mine" ... ending with the priceless lines that were music to my ears "I've been framed" ... "they were planted on me" ... he'd blown it and got caught and he wasn't going to talk his way out of it ... busted !! I guess he'd planned such a great weekend for maybe months ... and now here he is not even getting onsite and about to add a drugs offence to his criminal record ... Feeling a little uneasy with the strong arm of the law we strolled back to the bus to collect Ruarri before heading off across site to the festival radio station ... In the beautiful baking sunshine of the late afternoon we waited for the interviewer to arrive ... sat on the grass I soon clocked this guy ... he was the exact stereotypical person who is guaranteed to annoy the shit out of me without doing anything wrong ... he reminded me of a young Hugh Grant with his floppy hair but had a slightly camp Leeds accent ... his jeans were too tight ... his shoes were too white ... his shirt sleeves were rolled up so perfect I swear his mum had done it for him ... as he approached closer he fussed a baby in the similar way a politician would when campaigning for votes ... I willed the baby to sneeze in his face but no dice ... Then all of a sudden he came over to us ... he was the guy interviewing Ruarri ... The other radio people seemed to hold him in very high esteem because he was a star on the television channel E4 ... I'd never heard of him ... I think his name was Dick Grimsdale ... Following this we wondered back to the bus ... on this journey it dawned on me how different it was to the metal and hardcore festivals I'd become accustomed to over the last few years ... For example ... at all metal festivals there are stalls that sell t-shirts and studded belts ... and more humorously bullet belts and ridiculous wristbands with nails sticking out ... but here it was very different ... there was the silk bracelet stall ... the patchwork blanket stall ... the batik handkerchief stall and even the camomile tea caravan ... But to absolutely hit the nail on the head ... at a metal festival there would be a Jagermeister promotion with shots of the alcoholic medicine going round ... but here ... it was honey milkshake ... says it all !! Feeling rebellious to this charming behaviour we steamed into the beer back on the bus ... as I type this I look out the window to see a one legged woman wearing dungarees sprinting with crutches across the field in front of me ... she is pursued by a middle aged man wearing nothing but a pink ballet tutu and carrying a pink parasol ... indeed a festival attracts complete nutters ... In the week they are lawyers and school teachers ... bank managers and accountants ... but by the weekend ... bloody freaks ... I love festivals ... At 9pm bass player Pete Cherry arrives ... he made his own way down as he had coloured ink tattooed into the top of his right arm ... his dragon is looking good ... So now our band of merry man is together in Robin Hill park ... And one mad thought that got me a few times today ... I'm in England but not on the mainland ... it's weird being on a little island in the sea ... I'd heard stories that people were inbreed here ... I was expecting to see men with an OVERHANGING FOREHEAD AND ONE BIG TOOTH ... knuckles bleeding from the constant dragging on the ground ... but ... no sightings as of yet ... mind you at a festival full of the bizarre folks they'd probably fit in no problem at all ... That was my day on September 7th 2007 DAY THREE ... PIE AND MASH My first moment of the morning was being awoken by the voice of Matt shouting through the curtains of my bunk ... he cried with panic and desperation ... "bog roll ... bog roll ... bog roll" ... he said it continuously ... he was obviously suffering from chronic turtle head and needed to act immediately ... I directed him to where our toilet roll lived so he could disappear off to deal with the horrors of the festival Tardis toilet ... I continued sleeping until again two minutes before my alarm was to alarm me ... Yesterday Matt had blagged Ruarri a slot on one of the smaller stages for this morning ... the marquee was of reasonable size ... as you entered in front of you were a bunch of hippies dressed in all manner of costume more fitting to Woodstock in 1967 ... many were flaked out face down on the ground while others appeared to have not been asleep for days ... dancing round in circles like a dog chasing its tail ... except a dog was no where near as spaced out as these moon-monkeys ... Eventually we got set up in stage ... this show was to be just Ruarri and Chris The Hitman Haddon ... both on acoustic guitar and both singing ... during some technical difficulties this gentleman dressed in a leopard-skin leotard walks over to me giving me serious grief about the band not starting ... even though he was obviously out of his mind I still was in no mood for his nonsense ... so I let him know ... if he didn't f*ck off immediately then he'd be wearing his steaming hot cup of tea over his head ... he kept at me telling me he was one of the people working in the marquee ... I didn't care ... just f*ck off ... just when thing were going to get a bit tastier he disappeared ... either he realised he'd pissed me off or his friends had and guided him away ... f*cking prick ... Soon after the guys played a blinding set including an entertaining rendition of the B52's hit Rock Lobster ... after two encores we returned up the steep hill back to the bus ... The clouds parted and the sun baked down roasting and toasting everyone ... the afternoon was some down time for us ... some serious chilling apart from walking over towards the main stage to get some food ... while I sat eating with dummer Guillaume on the grass ... a continuous movement of people passed by us mostly in fancy dress ... over half were pirates but others included a couple of Pavarotti's ... chickens of different shapes sizes and colours ... a penguin ... a shark ... a giraffe ... an aardvark ... a tiger ... a bumblebee ... six pandas ... a polar bear and various super heroes including Superman Supergirl Spiderman Catwoman Batman Batgirl and Captain America ... plus many non descript odd costumes such as the knob jockey in the leopard skin leotard of whom I had an altercation with earlier ... but my favourite was Ronald McDonald ... I hate McDonalds with a passion ... but this costume was so unsuitable at such a non corporate hippy festival ... I found it rebellious against the rebels ... hurrah for pro-corporate punk rock ... I wonder if he'll get burnt like Guy Fawkes before the end of the festival? ... I hope so ... The shark costume I mentioned was particularly good ... it was designed with his arms coming out of the sharks mouth with shoes on his hands ... however I think he was unprepared for the very steep hill he had to go down ... there is no way he kept his footing ... but hey ... he'd look good tumbling down the mountain ... Time tick tocked onto when we needed to get our equipment down to the stage ... at 7pm a pick-up arrived ... we loaded it all in the back in addition to all of our people who clung on for dear life as we navigated our way down a bumpy dirt track ... I designated myself to have the comfy passenger seat ... a wise move ... Our stage was called the 'Band-Stand' ... it was literally that ... stuck in the middle of a field ... the sound desk were I would mix the band was off to the side which is a nightmare scenario as you need to hear what the crowd can hear ... and you can't so I spent my entire show walking backwards to the middle of the crowd then back to the desk ... for the first couple of songs this was starting to piss me off until seeing two people dressed in huge banana suits dancing at the front ... this put everything into perspective and I realised I should lighten up and just smile ... which I did ... It was a ballache for me but many people told me it was the best the stage had sounded all weekend so I was very pleased ... A huge firework display erupted across the festival to coincide with the end of the set ... it looked great ... the £20 I slipped the pyrotechnics guy was money well spent !! Before returning the people and equipment back to the bus we stopped for food ... a PIE AND MASH caravan was our chosen sustenance ... I had goats cheese and spinach pie with mash and mushy peas and gravy ... easily by a country mile the best food I have ever eaten at a festival ... ambrosia for the gods ... I will find them again on other Summertime adventures ... In conclusion for The Bestival as this festival is known ... well ... I've worked most festivals going especially the UK based ones ... but this was my first Bestival and my first visit to the Isle Of Wight ... I did like it but something didn't sit right with me ... first up there was far too much dance and DJ music going on and not enough real bands ... of the few that did play I was lucky to catch reggae legends Burning Spear on the main stage during my afternoon quest for a grilled haloumi cheese sandwich ... Burning Spear were superb and so was my achieved quest for the necessary sandwich ... But the main reason this festival didn't click for me was everyone seemed to be trying too hard to be 'crazy' and 'wacky' ... as if they were doing everything in their power to be the person they wanted to be rather the person they actually were ... there didn't seem to be the same cross section of society that festivals such as Reading attract ... here was a real middle class wanting to be right on group of people ... an example of this was the huge Guardian Newspaper stall ... not a tabloid in site ... these people were trying to be 'hippies' and that annoyed me ... to be honest most of my values and opinions could be described as 'hippy' as with the organisations I am a member of ... but as a rule I f*cking hate hippies ... these pretentious f*cks get on my tits !! ... hang up your tie-dyed caftan and go back to your 9 to 5 ... rant over ... at the end of the night I demolished some of the last few cans of Strongbow and got my head down for some much needed slumber ... That was my day on September 8th 2007 DAY FOUR ... WELL DONE SKY RAT Lying in my bunk I stirred when the engine of the bus erupted up at 7:30am ... stupidly someone had thought it was a good idea to allow tents in the same field as the tour busses ... so our driver Kev had to draw in his full driving ability to navigate his way out ... I told him to drive over the tents but he didn't want to lose his 'no claims' bonus on his insurance so was slightly more careful ... I slipped back into sleep to wake up again for the short ferry journey ... first job back on the mainland was to return to the bus depot to sort the bus toilet which was clogged with paper from one of our weekend guests ... they know who they are ... I suggest from now on sleep with one eye open ... we will get you !! Late morning we arrive back in Shepherds Bush to drop both band and musical equipment off ... we say our goodbyes and myself and Kevan and the bus continue to Earls Court to park under Tesco's which is a second home for many touring folk ... On arriving there myself and Kev pop over to the pub for some Guinness and dinner before I departed for the evening to a very reasonably priced hotel close by ... with no internet for several days I needed to get online and needed to have a long hot bath ... as I type this a pigeon is sat outside my window looking in ... I watch it peck at and eat the filter end of a cigarette ... WELL DONE SKY RAT !! The bathroom has one of those sinks that has ballistic powered water from the tap ... so when you turn it on the water shoots into then out of the sink and perfectly onto the crotch of you trousers so it looks like you've pissed yourself ... nice one hotel ... but I'm not going anywhere and so my cloths are drying ... On the television is LOTR Two Towers followed by Trading Places ... two of my favourite movies ... so a lazy evening it will be ... Another early start tomorrow as I have to get to Heathrow to pick up my next band to start my next tour and my next journal ... that was my day on September 9th 2007