ON THE ROAD WITH RUARRI JOSEPH JULY 07 part 2 July 28th to July 31st 2007 / UK / Maker Heights Festival and a show in Hoxton in North London by mark von sound DAY ONE ...THE FOG So during the last week I've moved from the gun crime city of Nottingham or rather Shottingham as the press and media have renamed it ... my new home is now in Weymouth which is 220 miles South ... down on the coast ... in fact I live right next to the beach ... better than the best ever ... Just before 1pm I walk over to the other far end of Weymouth seafront to the bus stop for the X53 bus which terminates at my destination of Exeter in East Devon ... it is just a 66 mile journey along the coast in a bone shaking double decker bus through non-stop winding lanes ... and how long does the 66 mile journey take? ... 3 hours and 7 minutes ... yes it took forever ... the bus was full of tourists visiting the many resorts on the route but nobody wanted to sit next to this scary looking guy with the tattoos ... or did they think I was riddled with leprosy ? I think maybe the latter ... I assure you I'm not even if I did suffer a little from eczema a few years back on one elbow and the corresponding thumb ... so eventually I arrived in Exeter ... Whilst waiting to get picked up by the band for the next part of my journey I entered into the free entertainment of people watching and realised that so many people in Exeter are particularly bad at walking ... There were people who walk entirely on their toes ... I call this the 1980's thrash metal walk ... then several seemed to have one leg longer than the other and were wearing built up shoes or just boasting a drastic limp the American Hip-Hop fraternity who be jealous of ... others were simply pigeon toed or knock kneed ... but seriously the majority of people here fell into one of these categories ... if you read this and are from Exeter you'll know which one you are ... And then all of a sudden I was surrounded by six couples ... I won't say they were fat but they were big boned and big bellied ... then they all started snogging (making out) ... where ever I looked I could not escape ... good for them but not with me ... I just wanted the band to arrive and pick me up and get out of there ... I got a text saying they were going to be another hour ... bollocks I thought ... so I made my escape on foot to hunt out a Starbucks for an old trusty caramel macchiato ... And whilst on this small journey I witnessed a mad guy talking to his hand pretending he had a phone ... I say talking but what I really mean is arguing with himself about who was going to buy the booze next ... him or errrrr himself ... the two large plastic empty cider bottles at his feet I guess were a clue that he had a raging thirst ... I did think the fact he was talking to his hand showed he was slightly self conscience and so wanted people to think he was on the phone ... I say if you are mad just go for it ... talk to yourself ... don't fake it ... grow a backbone and just be a complete nutter ... So I waited and waited for be picked up but it was taking ages for them to get down from London ... it's now the holiday season and England's poor road system is over run by the vile disease of the dreaded caravan ... these annoying needless obstacles which simply delay and piss off every other driver ... I say they should pass a law which only lets them travel between the hours of 2am and 6am ... or maybe we could ban the bastards completely ... I remember my last caravan holiday ... I was a child I became ill and sick ... and when vomiting I can vividly recollect rice pudding flowing out of my nose ... not nice at the best of times but for the nostrils of a small boy it was agony ... so yes ... lets ban all caravans ... they are the devils work ... pure evil ... Eventually at 4:45pm the van appeared ... 1 hour and 45 minutes late ... but when I do my schedules I like to have time for emergencies so we still had time to get to the festival which is located right across the width of Devon just inside the county of Cornwall ... which took us via a short ferry ride across the river Tamar from Plymouth to Torpoint ... and then we hit the tiniest winding lanes only wide enough for a sheep dog and a pair of Wellington boots ... you know it's rural when there's grass growing in the middle of the road ... By this time the rain was falling hard ... as we approached the site for the Maker Heights Festival we ascended a large hill which was engulfed in thick fog ... still in the van we negotiated the drunken festival goers to park up next to the main stage which was thankfully a large marquee ... this provided both band and crowd a safe haven from the inclement foul weather outside ... it's not the biggest festival but still plenty of people with 5,000 people partying away in the thick fog ... and rain came down ... First job on site is for me to locate the wristband passes and meal tickets for my band and crew ... it was here I saw one of the funniest episodes I have ever gazed upon ... Picture this ... very wet muddy field in the heavy pissing rain ... so windy the rain is horizontal ... this guy appeared from behind one of the food marquees ... out of his wet hands his 3 litre bottle of cider slipped through his grasp to land in the mud in front of him ... with momentum on his side he trod on the bottle which made him fall forwards into a huge bath of mud ... he slid on his chin for a good ten feet ... I was choking with laughter at this point but far enough from him for him not to see me ... covered in mud he leapt to his feet ... he looked around to see if anyone had noticed his accident ... thinking he got away with it acted like nothing had happened ... I think he forget he was coated from head to toe in mud ... just thinking about this brown clown cracks me up even now and I think it always will do ... So with passes all sorted my next task was to get to the stage and sort our plan of action to load in and set up our equipment ... As I entered the back of the stage area I was greeted by two gentlemen with a rolled up twenty pound note up each left nostril ... their powder was scraped into neat lines for the nasal consumption of ... momentarily I thought I was in a Colombian drug den ... oh how rock'n'roll ... on remembering I was in fact in a Cornish muddy field I soon found the stage manager who told me the info I needed ... and it was a bit of a rush ... we only had 30 minutes to load from the van then set up and start playing ... we did it and the first song started bang on time so all was good ... The crowd were a 50/50 split of people on drugs and people on booze ... you could tell the difference as when dancing the boozy drunk people feel over a lot and the drugged people span round in circles and never blinked ... another great crowd response ... winner ... After the show we hung out for a short time ... consumed some food and a couple of beers ... I'd already stocked up on the beers at a shop on the journey to the festival ... eight cans of Strongbow cider for only six pounds ... an utter bargain ... not to be missed ... So with the thick fog and rain still going strong accomplanied with the added bonus of night time darkness we decided to leave and get to our hotel ... with everyone in the van Matt tries to drive off but the mud has second thoughts and wouldn't let us leave ... bollocks we are stuck ... The event security are on the case and track down first the keys to a huge JCB digger and then the driver ... with a chained hooked up to the front of the van we got towed out sliding sideways in the mud bath ... eventually we are dragged to the road for us to at last have grip for our tyres ... but the next problem we had was our left headlight didn't work on normal beam ... but it did work on full beam ... so to return to civilization we needed to negotiate very tight high sided country lanes in thick fog ... at points our visibility was down to about five feet ... with our headlights on normal beam we could see nothing ahead of us but with full beam on it just reflected back in the fog so all we saw was a solid white wall ... and having to negotiate oncoming traffic with hardly enough room to pass ... the intermittent cats eyes were our only saviour and without doubt saved us from ending up in a hedge or ditch ... whilst in this nightmare scenario we were flagged down by the Police ... they asked Matt our driver "have you been drinking alcohol?" ... he replied "No I haven't" ... they sent us on our way without another question ... what a wonderful way to solve crime ... did you do it? ... if you answer no then you are OK ... imagine accidentally saying yes ... you'd be doomed ... Right then ... enough of my waffle back to the thick fog ... we slowly fought our way through until we hit the big road and after driving round like headless chickens we eventually got to our destination of the Saltash Travelodge ... these aren't great hotels but sometimes due to location you have no coice ... on arrival everyone to manager and driver Matt's room for our end of night party before crashing for a well deserved sleep ... that was my day on 28th July 2007 DAY TWO ... HOME Up and out to hit the road to Exeter ... again the bastard caravans slowed us down making us get to Exeter late for my bus ... so I got the chauffer service with the band in the van and got driven back to my front door in Weymouth ... easily a couple of hours quicker than the double decker bus ride ... that was my very short day on 29th July 2007 DAY THREE ... DELETED DAY FOUR ... IT'S IN MY MOUTH Today is my first train journey from Weymouth to London ... and true to form with most public transport I use I only just make it with a minute to spare ... why do I always do it? ... It really does stress me out somewhat ... the nearly three hour train journey gets into London's Waterloo Station at 2:49pm ... I get the tube up to Kings Cross and check in to my hotel ... a Premier Travel Inn ... these are my favourite of the budget hotels ... good beds and showers ... even at this early part of the day some very grotty whores parade the area outside the front of the hotel ... I dodge them with stealth as I enter and leave the ... Today's show is at the Hoxton Bar and Kitchen ... a venue I'd never even heard of so obviously hadn't been there before ... I knew roughly where it was but asked directions from Old Street tube train station ... the guy sent me completely the wrong way ... what a complete bastard ... but what's worse is I asked a guy who ran a kebab takeaway and he told me to continue in the wrong direction ... another complete bastard ... eventually I asked a cab driver who told me to turn 180 degrees and go back where I came from ... I passed the kebab shop on my return and want to say something to the twat but chose to just get on with my pedestrian journey ... I walked back for twenty minutes ... I was starting to sense I was close ... so entered a the Hoxton Mini Cab office to get my last directions ... he confidently said to me "it's not around here ... you are in the wrong part of London completely" ... I disregarded this info and walked round the corner and like an oasis in the desert the Hoxton bar and Kitchen appeared ... not really my kind of bar ... all the brands of beer were the most exclusive and expensive imports and the clientele were very pretentious jazzy types ... which is a very polite way of saying c***ts ... Next the usual laborious task of sitting and waiting to do our sound-check and the doors to open ... But my evening spiralled up into being a great night when two very old friends who I hadn't seen since I lived in Plymouth ... we are talking fifteen years ... and thanks to Myspace they tracked me down ... I used to share a house with Jane and I have to say she really has hardly aged which I put down to good vegetarian eating with lots of cheese and regular and sizable amounts of alcohol ... and the same diet seemed also to be a winner for Kavus ... pronounced kar-vus ... he and I went to college together back in the late 1980's early 90's ... do not accuse us of being students as that will never do ... we attended to get a few qualifications to keep our parents happy ... He plays guitar for a number of bands and I tour with bands ... so I can honestly say our sociology and psychology exam passes did us the world of good to shape our careers ... not !! ... I never forget the day we were on our lunch break from college ... we shared a huge bag of chips from Benbow Street chippy with our friend Laura ... Kavus was talking non-stop with out breathing as he is often known to do ... whilst taking a chip and putting it in his mouth a bird shit landed on the said chip ... his hand had already committed to the movement of putting it his mouth ... realising what he'd done he started freaking out screaming "it's in my mouth, it's in my mouth" he flapped his arms jumping up and down emulating the seagull which had dumped it's white nastiness on his food ... I honestly don't think I've laughed so much in my entire life ... I nearly suffocated with hilarity ... But back to 2007 ... We consumed a couple of beers then Ruarri performed yet another blinding show ... I was pleased with the sound I mixed ... and also pleased my friends enjoyed the performance ... then post show we got back to talking about old times and what other old friends are doing now ... it seems we are the only three who haven't changed a bit and still refuse to grow up ... I have to say back in the day if I could've chosen two other Peter Pan's then it would've been these two ... so a big fat neon light hooray for this ... At the end of the night we say our farewells and I get a tube back just a couple of stops on the black Northern line from Old Street to Kings Cross ... on entering my hotel I need to negotiate my way passed a selection of utterly desperate near death skinny junkie prostitutes who were hanging out by the door ... at these times I still operate as a very polite Englishman ... so I said no thank you to those who spoke to me ... even the beanpole girl who offered to throw in anal as a Monday night freebie ... even with this gift available I was still not tempted!! ... what a life to lead ... makes me sad ... but not sad for long as when hitting my hotel room I hooked my Ipod up through the TV to watch Eddie Izzard's stage show 'Glorious' ... so the laughter continued ... I crashed out for a terrible night sleep having all sorts of weird dreams ... but tomorrow morning I'd be on a train back to my new seaside home of Weymouth ... that was my day on July 30th