ON THE ROAD WITH RUARRI JOSEPH October 8th to October 14th 2007 UK TOUR by mark von sound DAY ONE ... AND THIS MORNING I SAW AN EAGLE After just two busy days (not off) back home I'm out again ... With my 29 people Madina Lake tour completed I now go back to the other extreme of touring with Ruarri Joseph again ... a string of six solo shows with just Ruarri and I in his black Ford Focus estate ... starting today back in Oxford ... the same town and venue where my last tour began ... For these shows we were main support to a chap called King Creosote ... I'd never heard of him before and for the last few weeks thought it was King Crimson and the Coconuts ... The original plan for me this morning was to get a bus from Weymouth to Exeter to then get picked up by Ruarri as he passed through from his home in Newquay on route to Oxford ... the logistics of this sucked as I'd have to leave my house before 7am ... not a big fan of such insane behaviour ... so I investigated other possibilities of overland transportation ... back with the train network and I could save hours from the original plan ... My sleepy first journey to Southampton soon changed into non-stop entertainment for my second train up to Oxford ... I shared my carriage with members of both the Moscow State Circus And the Chinese State Circus ... never before had I seen midgets juggled ... or should I say vertically challenged gentlemen ... the sword swallower had a minor accident as we stopped suddenly at Winchester station ... trapeze was limited ... lots of dogs in hats ... a sea lion that tumbles a ball ... a bearded lady ... thankfully there was no lion tamer however the elephants walked through in single file connected trunk to tail down the middle of the carriage which did make it a little difficult for the buffet trolley to get down ... Just before Reading Station a man comes running down the aisle at high speed ... followed in hot pursuit by train staff ... he had no where to run ... he was in a train ... but I guess it's everyone's animal instinct to try and not get caught ... Just before he got as far up where I sat he got thwarted good and proper ... sat across from me was a small old lady who had taken nearly half an hour to eat a single triangle of ham sandwich ... on her last bite she sprang into action ... she thrust her closed umbrella horizontally at throat height ... the perfect clothesline ... the whole carriage burst into clapping and cheering ... It turns out the felon had tried to dodge the purchase of a ticket ... what a scoundrel ... with him being collected by the police our train became delayed ... this got worse when we got stuck behind a freight train ... I arrived an hour late missing my lift with Ruarri to an instore promotional show in the next town ... I head straight to the venue ... when inside I realise I've left my wash bag at home ... shit ... so re-buy everything ... balls ... I bet I own more toothbrushes than anyone else ... Was good to see Ruarri again and for dinner took him to the Shiraz Falafel House a few doors down the road ... and to quote miss Tina Turner after she ate there once ... "You're falafels are the best ... better than all the rest" ... Not many in the show tonight ... but then again it wasn't our show we were guests of Scotland's King Creosote ... straight after our set finished the wheels span on Ruarri's Ford Focus estate ... we screeched off and out of Oxford ... I was in my hotel room in Hampstead by 10:30pm ... tonight and for the next four nights I'm in another Premier Travel Inn ... I'm in them more than my own home ... AND THIS MORNING I SAW AN EAGLE ... That was my day on October 8th 2007 DAY TWO ... SEND THE 'SPOILT STREAK OF PISS' BACK TO PRISON A fact ... 7 months ago today I gave up smoking ... I haven't even had a sneaky drunken toke ... best ever ... Some more facts ... and today also heralded the births of all these people ...John Lennon from Beatles ... John Entwhistle from the Who ... Al Jourgensen from industrial warlords Ministry ... P J Harvey from her mum and Brian Blessed the Hawkman from Vultan ... Then please remember Romanian Holocaust Remembrance Day and not forgetting the Valencian National Day ... which celebrates the founding of the former Kingdom of Valencia ... When I woke this morning ... I sat up and looked all around ... I hadn't a clue where I was ... but then the penny dropped ... ahhhh London ... I'd be hooking up with Ruarri later for tonight's show ... but first I had to get a tube train into central London so I could perform my two paramount tasks ... Task number one ... go to Oxford Street Lloyds Bank and pay in the remaining cash from Madina Lake's tour to be wired to America ... After filling out the paying in slip I joined the long long line of waiting people ... and at the front just one out of the 8 counters was open and I customer at this counter I'm 99% certain was Charlie from Big Brother ... I'm sure I heard her say ... "Don't You Know Who I am?" ... well you see lady that's the problem ... we do know who you are ... one day the Earth will open up and she will fall down thousands of feet into the lava in the Earths core ... she will burn into nothing within seconds ... then the hole will close ... and life will continue ... nicer ... After an hour in line I eventually pay the cash in ... and now for the most important task of the day ... walk down Oxford Street until Oxford Circus ... turn left into Carnaby Street ... on the right near the end ... Well the Vans store of course ... on entry I drop to my knees and worship ... this is Mecca ... rejoice and celebrate ... I bought some new pairs ... best ever ... Weather ... today it pissed down ... I returned to rendezvous with Ruarri for 5pm ... our load in time wasn't until 8pm tonight ... it's that late because this is a working cinema during the day ... showing movies ... we gave ourselves 3 hours to get there ... more than enough for just a 60 mile journey ... but due to f*cking traffic f*cking traffic f*cking traffic ... it took us 3 hours 25 minutes ... the satellite navigation has a uncontrollable desire to find the busiest roads ... bastard shit ... We arrive at the venue in Brighton at ... 8:23pm We sound check in the venue at ... 8:26pm The doors open for the crowd at ... 8:30pm Ruarri goes onstage at ... 9pm 8 songs of man and acoustic ... Ruarri exits the stage to riotous applause ... 9:30pm Out the front door in car and driving away ... 9:35pm We were only in Brighton for just 1 hour and 12 minutes ... the whole time we were inside the car was parked outside the front doors to the venue on double yellow lines ... we were there such a short period of time I swear Ruarri left the engine running throughout ... then back to London and my hotel again... I turn the television on ... and Oh my f*cking Lord !!! ... on the only music channel ... imaginatively called Chart TV ... was the worst song ever ... it was so bad I had to watch the entire video with bemused amazement ... Please ask yourself ... who is the most untalented? ...most uncreative? ... most bland? ... most disposable? ... most shallow? ... most undeserving person you could think of? ... who? ... I'll tell you who ... the soulless skeleton herself ... Paris pissing Hilton ... the song? ... the lyrics were just crap clichÈ rhymes ... and the music was reminiscent of Mysterious Girl ... that 'diohorrea reggae dirge' by Peter Andre ... so now she wants to be a pop star? ... worst shit ever ... Surely this video is enough to SEND THE 'SPOILT STREAK OF PISS' BACK TO PRISON ... That was my day on October 9th 2007 DAY THREE ... A CHOIR OF CAR HORNS Just saw on the lunchtime BBC news ... a Tyrannosaurus Rex foot print has been found in Montana by British palaeontologist Dr Phil Manning ... the people filmed seemed very excited by no one seems to be alarmed ... I've seen the modern remake movie of Godzilla ... do you remember when Dr. Niko Tatopoulos stood in the footprint on that Pacific Island? ... then do you remember what happed afterward? ... If f*cking trashed New York ... many people died ... Madison Square Garden got blown up ... seriously America you be careful ... This creatures were born pregnant ... they could take over the planet in a matter of weeks ... watch this space !! Top moment of the day ... during the afternoon whilst in my hotel room I had the windows open ... a car drove along the road beneath my window playing "I am the man of constant sorrow" from the movie Oh Brother Where Art Thou sung by Dan Tyminski ... those of you who know and love this movie will appreciate how great it is to hear such an amazing song in such an unexpected scenario ... I was so impressed ... so much better than having to listen to that chap Fiddy Cent ... As I walked back from visiting the local Post Office ... close to the Chalk Farm district of London ... I watched a man who literally park his car in the middle of a busy road junction ... utter chaos was ensuing ...so much so he was holding up traffic from four different directions ... A CHOIR OF CAR HORNS filled my ears until I got closer to the obstacle car ... then lilting through air at full blast was the ambient Irish folk music of ...Clannad ... and a man screaming "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" at his steering wheel ... I stood watching from the side of the road as with all his strength in a single punch he the hit the centre of his steering wheel ... this resulted in a small explosion and the instant inflation of his huge white airbag ... this completely engulfed him and silenced his music ... several of the nearest drivers rolled his car into a bus stop then returned to their cars and continued on their way ... it's not everyday you witness a man go from sanity to madness before your very eyes ... as I type this I wonder if he's still there? I met Ruarri at 4pm for the 43 miles journey to Reading ... we wanted to be there before 6pm ... 2 hours for 43 miles should be more than enough ... not a pissing chance ... it took us over 2 and half long hours ... that's an average speed of 15 miles an hour ... the satellite navigation was again laughing whilst taking us into heavy traffic ... bastard ... On arrival we sound-checked immediately ... today's venue was part of the large and grand Reading Town Hall ... the room where we were to play was immense ... it was an old Victorian concert hall ... with ornate painted balconies and a super high ceiling ... on the stage at the back of the room stood a huge organ with some pipes at least 40 feet high ... After sound-checking Ruarri and I are shown to our dressing room ... which was huge with a rather sophisticated dÈcor ... out of nowhere penguin suited waiters appeared clunking into the vast dressing room with silver trolleys laden with supper treats for both of us ... we couldn't believe our eyes ... this is the perfect scenario ... it is the stuff of our hungry dreams ... Great show ... Ruarri's voice and acoustic guitar sounded immense in such a cathedral sized room ... Straight after our set we are back in the car commuting back to London on the wonderfully clear night time roads ... That was my day on October 10th 2007 DAY FOUR ... DIE HARDER Please wish a very happy birthday to legendary English footballer Bobby Charlton ... scoring 49 goals in 106 matches for the English national team between 1958 and 1970 ... today he is achieved the amusing age of 69 dude ... On the news In Scotland ... this morning a truck over turned carrying 3000 chickens ... the road was closed all morning whilst the Police had to catch all the feathered escapers ... in a statement made after the road had reopened they said they are not pursuing anyone else with their enquiries as they don't believe there was any foul play ... I get the tube at 5pm ... one of the most hectic times of day ... we were packed in the underground train carriage like sardines ... so tightly in fact that my feet weren't touching the ground for most of the journey ... how people deal with this everyday is beyond me ... it would drive me mad ... Today's show is at the Bloomsbury Ballroom which is in the Holborn area of central London ... it's quite a snooty place ... or perhaps that was more due to the clientele of the show ... a strangely cliquey vain crowd came out tonight ... I do love London for many reasons but one thing I do hate about it is the pretentious shallowness of some of the people here ... but I guess that's the same in all big cities especially when they are capitals ... But what did make tonight much more bearable was hooking up with my old pal Jane ... I've known Jane forever ... so long in fact that when we were just 3 years old we used to play tennis together on the pre-school team ... both of us were on the school darts team at the age of 8 representing them in the national championships ... when we were 10 we were both on the Devon free diving team ... Jane has a very impressive lung capacity ... she could go to depths most people couldn't imagine ... and ... I'll never forget when we were 12 years old we ran with the bulls in Pamplona in North Spain ... so exhilarating ... when we were 14 years old we were both on the England cross country ski team negotiating the entire width of Scandinavia ... at 16 we both climbed the mountain K2 ... on the way back down we were split up by the weather and have only been reunited recently ... tonight has been great talking with her about old adventures and expeditions ... we are planning to maybe walk across the South Pole for Christmas ... but first an expedition to bar for more cans of cold Red Stripe beer ... After the show we go our separate ways ... I return to my hotel ... English television is diabolical after midnight ... mind you it not great for lengthy periods of the day also ... but particularly at a time when you get back from a gig and you turn the TV set on and want to watch something to wind down to ... on so many channels are phone in quiz shows ... could they try and think of anything shitter to broadcast? I think not ... so at these moments you trust in luck to find a movie on one of the smaller channels ... and ... oh by crikey tonight was a winner ... yes ... Die Hard 2 ... DIE HARDER ... decent trash doesn't come better than this disposable classic ... That was my day on October 11th 2007 DAY FIVE ... SCOOBY DOO I shall start with a few facts of the day ... As I'm sure you all know in 539 BC The army of Cyrus the Great of Persia takes Babylon in a long and bloody battle ... then in 1492 Columbus discovered America ... hence today is Columbus day ... in 1823 Mr.Charles Macintosh of Scotland sells the first raincoat ... this was a few years before he started making computers ... then in 1915 in World War One ... a British nurse Edith Cavell is executed by a German firing squad for helping Allied soldiers escape from Belgium ... Then in 1999 on this day saw the 6 billionth living human being born ... and finally ... in Malawi its Mother's Day ... I check out from my fourth night in a row from my Premier Travel Inn ... however I shall be back tomorrow night ... Today we leave the South behind and head up North to my adopted home town of Nottingham ... on arriving we check Ruarri into his hotel for some much needed rest and recuperation before sound check ... I spent the next couple of hours in search of the mythical promoter ... who I eventually did find with the just before the doors opened with the help of my old pal Ames ... so I'm in the Rescue Rooms with a meal voucher to spend at Carlito's Kitchen ... and errrr easy choice ... the halloumi sandwich ... yet again an utter winning palate pleaser ... A typically tough Nottingham crowd tonight which Ruarri did eventually win over ... At the end of the night with Ruarri back at his hotel 5 stayed with my friend Dr Arg ... I stayed in his spare room which is often occupied by his visiting daughter ... as I fell to sleep I had SCOOBY DOO and Sooty and Sweep and a shark and a bat and Zippy from Rainbow all looking over me while I slept ... and cue the wierd dreams ... That was my day on October 12th 2007 DAY SIX ... PUKE ALLEY Today I shall start with a few more facts ... The Iron Lady herself celebrates her birthday today Margaret Thatcher is 82 ... missus salmonella Edwina Currie is 61 ... and concerning another disease ... singer Joey Belladonna of Anthrax thrash fame is 47 ... I'm being chased by an enourmous Zippy from Rainbow ... from jet ski to motor bike I just can't shake the bastard off my tail ... he's gaining ... shit he's right behind me ... then ... BURRRR BURRRR BURRRR BURRRR ... my alarm goes off and with my first glance there he is ... the evil one ... just inches away ... Zippy straing at me ... never blinking ... I will be traumatised forever ... Before we hit the road we had to refuel ourselves ... hunger was on the agenda ... so for a change we go to Subway ... in our famished state we inhale our submarine sandwiches without stopping to talk or even breathe ... it sat heavy inside after ... and felt like I swallowed whole a steel toe cap fourteen hole Dr.Martin boot ... We drive 140 miles North to Stockton On Tees ... It's the last show on the short tour with King Creosote from Scotland ... and today there was also the Rugby Union World Cup Semi-Final between France and defending champions England ... I'm one of those annoying people who doesn't know all the rules and only gets behind the team when we do well in competitions like this ... And England being best in the world is worth getting excited about ... Today's venue had no television so no chance of seeing it there ... but they did tell us in the pub next door have televisions ... we were ready for more food so we planned some pub grub and watching the big game on the big screen ... but no ... the food was finished and tonight was karaoke night with no sport on the TV ... they had a Tina Turner theme night ... somehow we managed to tear ourselves away ... we ask the barmaid "Where would be showing it?" ... she directed us out the pub and up PUKE ALLEY (I named this puke alley because at one end of it was a stomach of hurled vomit from an afternoon drinker) ... at the end of the alley turn right up the main street to the Royal Oak ... as we approached we could hear the muffled sounds of a disturbance ... this transformed into the crystal clear sounds of a disturbance when a gentleman flew backwards through a large front window ... he landed in a heap on pavement ... the smashed window means broken glass ... Ruarri wears flip-flops all the time ... broken glass and flip flops don't mix ... so we about turn 180 degrees to walk back passed puke alley and on through the town centre ... we contemplated the Ibiza Sports Bar but the two girls beating the crap out of each other in the doorway made this not an option either ... we continued and ended up in a first floor lounge bar of a hotel ... they were showing the rugby ... they had food ... they had comfy chairs ... best ever ... Rugby Union World Cup Semi-Final here we go ... We watch the kick off ... rooting for England ... it's a tight game with a half time score of the French winning at 6 - 5 ... but after an hour of being glued to the game we had to leave to go back and do our show ... so reluctantly we dragged ourselves back to the venue via puke alley ... I was surprised how full the venue was as this seemed to be a very chav town ... during Ruarri's set I checked the score on my phone ... just a couple of minutes left and the score was at 9 - 8 to France ... I hit refresh ... France were now losing at 11 - 9 ... yes ... then the score moved to 14 - 9 ... oh yes ... then the final whistle ... we had won ... well done chaps ... you're in next weeks final ... This venue I had been to once before ... I was working for the legendary Iron Monkey ... support came from a band called Blessed Realm ... there singer wore huge flares ... during their set he trod on the corresponding flared trouser leg ... this resulted in him falling sideways and crashing into and demolishing the drum kit ... good work fella ... oh how we laughed .... A few years after that he had a sex change ... I wish him luck ... The second Ruarri finished his last song we were out the door driving back down to London ... 250 miles ... the roads were clear ... I was checked in the hotel and in my room by 2am ... This is same hotel I've been in for most of the week ... my room was on the next floor up ... but had the identical layout and in fact identical everything including the picture on the wall ... the only difference is this room smelt like an ashtray as there were only smoking rooms left ... That was my day on October 13th 2007 DAY SEVEN ... PETTY VICTORIES Once more I shall furnish you with some facts of the day ... In 1066 the Norman's invaded England ... they beat down and killed King Harold II at the battle of Hastings ... which resulted in the naughty French stealing our throne ... the bloody snail eaters!!! ... however 903 years later in 1969 ... the United Kingdom introduces the seven sided 50p coin ... I've been staying near Belsize tube station which is toward one end of the Northern line ... thankfully on the same line is the train station which I need to travel home from ... I read an article once that a London Underground tube train seat cushion contained bacteria from most of the worlds worst diseases ... unless it's a long journey I always stand ... thus ensuring not catching and dying from botchalism and diphtheria ... on my journey the train passed through Camden ... and no surprise a couple of cyber Goths got onboard ... the Cybergoth is a thriving tribe local to Camden ... these were typical of the breed ... regulation wacky hair ... regulation wacky platform boots ... with springs in ... dressed in regulation black but with the regulation splash of a dayglo fluorescent coloured garment as a garnish ... so much effort had gone into this appearance that I hoped they were still on the way home from Saturday rather than making this much effort for Sunday ... Sat across from me was an old soldier ... who was rightfully proud of his chest full of medals ... this earns my respect ... resting on his top lip was a huge brush-like bushy grey moustache ... it coved his mouth which collapsed into the back of his head ... he omitted putting his teeth in today ... perhaps that's a Sunday treat he affords himself ... then I hope he eats ice cream every week ... ... after crossing the River Thames beneath the water I arrive at Waterloo which is not just an Abba song but a very busy train station ... whilst standing waiting for my platform to be announced ... from the furthest corner of the station a woman quick-marched like a soldier on parade towards me ... her clipping footsteps seemed so loud as she got closer and I could make out she had a baby very firmly attached to her left breast ... she was breast feeding whilst stomping about in a busy public place ... such a powerful image blew me away ... her confidence was titanic ... In my wallet I had the train ticket from last week that got me home ... but no ticket inspector punched it or stamped it ... so as long as it's still in date then in my book that's still currency ... and this ticket would get me home for free today ... these PETTY VICTORIES always make us feel good and also give us the feeling of doing something wrong ... best ever ... But karma got the better of me ... my journey took an extra hour due to engineering works between Southampton and Poole ... this meant I had to get off my train then get in a bus then get on another train before eventually getting home ... and on the bus journey a seven foot tall man sat next to me ... he was enormous and towered over me ... I'd soon discover he suffered from mild Tourette Syndrome ... he started twitching ... then sniffing ... for the whole journey I was pinned to the window ... only the power of my Ipod and Eddie Izzard got me through ... Once this punishment was over I was back on the train for the last part of my journey ... the was sky bereft of clouds ... a warm Summer sun welcomed me home ... and when I got to the sea the tide was coming in ...That was my day on October 14th 2007