ON THE ROAD WITH CIRCA SURVIVE September 10th to September 17th 2007 UK TOUR by mark von sound DAY ONE ... HIS PHANTOM NARCOLEPSY I awake at 6:45am ... and again just before my alarm was due to go off ... with again a vivid dream in my head ... I was at a rock festival wrapped up in a big sheet ... like a roman toga ... very odd but I kept my dignity ... I'd gone to a burger van to get a cup of tea and working in this van was a band I used to tour with ... a band from Wales ... well the whole band had huge bald spots and skullet mullet haircuts ... they wore bloody aprons and their job was flipping burgers ... is this a premonition ... who knows ... Still with a tried and woolly head I checked my email ... and there was a message telling me the band would be late as there was a problem with their plane so they had to do a Transatlantic U-turn to return to JFK Airport in New York ... the Heathrow Airport website informed me that instead of landing at 8:25am a new 'expected' time of arrival would now be 1:28pm ... I was now wide awake so I stayed up and worked for a couple of hours from my Fawtly Towers hotel room ... the kettle didn't work ... the air conditioning didn't work ... the hot tap produced water at only a pathetic trickle and the cold tap blasted out to soak your crotch as if you'd pissed yourself ... and to top it all ... a whole family of cigarette butt eating pigeons lived outside the window ... but it had internet and a bed and I couldn't be bothered to complain as I didn't want to be disturbed ... When ready to check out from my room I descended in the small lift down to the reception which as with most hotels was on the ground floor ... just before the door opened I could hear many voices jabbering away in a language I didn't understand ... The door opened for me to see fifty German tourists all with luggage just staring at me ... in my mind I crowd surfed to the reception desk but in reality I said "excuse me" several times ... no one moved ... so head down shoulders tense I charged through them knocking people flying ... the impressive part of the manoeuvre was that my battle footwear was the noble flip flop ... On getting to the bus we reschedule our morning so now picking the band up was last and first we would go to John Henrys hire to pick up the musical equipment and receive delivery of our boxes of t-shirts ... This probably worked out better for us anyway as it meant we didn't need to return into London and deal with the nightmare of the traffic that goes with it ... Around 2pm I meet the band at Heathrow's Terminal 3 ... It's good to see the guys again ... I toured with them at the start of last year when they played a string of dates opening for Thrice and Coheed and Cambria ... Once on the bus and moving I get the story of their eventful journey from New York ... Their flight was delayed due to a problem with the landing gear for the front wheel ... after waiting in the departure lounge the passengers got the announcement they wanted to hear ... it had been fixed so boarding would commence ... once in the air the plane started to violently vibrate ... this obviously is not normal so as I said earlier they had to do a Transatlantic U-turn to return to New York's JFK Airport ... apparently parts that had been replaced ... but not correctly so the doors for the front landing gear wouldn't close properly ... first they had to jettison the fuel as the plane was too heavy to land ... on landing they were surrounded by fire-engines and ambulances in case of disaster ... Sat on the runway with everyone still on the plane the maintenance guys tried fixing it but to no avail ... so 5 hours late they eventually start their journey on a completely different plane ... The story continues ... Singer Anthony ... not the best flyer had quite a bit to drink ... unconscious but on his feet he staggers down the aisle of the plane close to the toilet ... and to the horror of both passengers and flight attendants he whips out his 'lad' and starts pissing there ... with people freaking out and screaming he finishes and staggers back to his seat ... he was in big trouble ... he'd broken several laws ... from exposing himself to urinating to being drunk and disorderly ... they issued him with a piece of paper stated he would be arrested when the plane lands ... Once much closer to England he wakes up much more coherent and explains since a child he's suffered from narcolepsy and very occasionally this happens ... so in the blink of an eye from everybody hating him they all felt sorry for him and forgave his actions ... you know what? Some people can talk themselves out of anything ... and he just did ... With the flight stories told we continued North in the tour bus ... we needed to stock up on bus supplies so stopped at Toddington motorway service station ... after 45 mins it was time to go so we hit the road only to find out guitarist Brendan wasn't on board ... I'd seen him get back on but he slipped under the radar and got off again ... we'd left him behind ... not a great start ... we returned to collect the lost sheep ... I'm going to have to keep a eye out for him as he has a history of such behaviour ... Not long after 6pm we arrive in Nottingham to park up at my favourite venue Rock City ... tonight was a night off before the tour properly started the next day ... we go straight to a bar round the corner called the Rescue Rooms where I rendezvous with old pals Ames and Gords ... I have several beverages until it's time to crash out at around 1am ... Thinking my day was over and very much in the land of the zzzzz I was awoken at 3:10am by guitarist Colin telling me singer Anthony is about to be arrested by the Police ... so I scramble to my feet and throw on my flip flops and go outside to be greeted by 4 Police cars and maybe 20 Police Officers ... a Police helicopter was hovering illuminating us with it's search light ... in the middle of this throng was a very very drunk Anthony staggering about ... What had happened was he fallen asleep in the toilets of a bar ... this bar had closed up and all the bar staff had gone home ... Anthony had woken up and tried to leave only to find him self in the pitch black in a strange bar ... staggering around all drunk he'd set the alarms off which had alerted the Police ... They were fully entitled to throw him in a cell over night and even charge him the next day ... But they were cool about it ... they just wanted him out of their way ... I said sorry many times and carried him up to the bus ... I wondered if HIS PHANTOM NARCOLEPSY had kicked in again? ... it's only day one and he's nearly been arrested twice already ... never a dull moment ... That was my day on September 10th 2007 DAY TWO ... RAMBO'S STORY I awake with us still parked in Nottingham ... we had an hour before leaving so the caffeine nourishing Starbucks expedition needed to be achieved ... Once back on the bus we headed just the short 50 mile drive down to Birmingham ... The venue is the Academy ... we are to play the Academy 2 which is situated on the balcony ... I have done shows here many times ... And as per usual the parking is in a huge underground loading bay to the rear ... which means the load in is a bitch but you have no choice ... Everything's running smoothly with both support bands on time ... the main support Twin Atlantic from Glasgow are tour managed by my old pal Aimmi ... so it's good to see her again ... Before soundcheck I collect a woolly headed Anthony from the bus ... no doubt still feeling a little delicate from the events of the previous day ... After the doors opened while the supports were on I popped down the road to have a swift pint in nearby pub Scruffy's ... with a couple of local friends both called Dean ... one of which is an old friend of my journals ... Dean of Wednesbury ... also sat with us was a local character and local legend ... a gentleman who goes by the moniker of Rambo ... I've known him to say hello to for a few years now ... but he's always far too drunk to remember ... Literally seconds after sitting down he insisted on showing me a video on his phone of who he called his girlfriend ... and the video was of erm her pleasuring herself ... he asked me what I thought ... which I replied "it's like looking in a butchers shop window" ... He never wears a shirt just a leather waistcoat ... off came the waistcoat to show us a new tattoo of a black panther ... he said he now had ten with another five to go ... I asked what exactly he meant and couldn't believe my ears of what he told me ... twenty years ago to the day his wife was raped and murdered by fifteen guys ... and in the years since he's tracked them down and beaten the living shit out of them ... not long ago he found the tenth ... in court the judge gave him nine months ... he knows all the names and is looking for the last five ... Rambo is fifty two years old now ... and hard as nails ... I'd never cross him ... he's not a bad person ... but fate has given him a quest to settle what happened twenty years ago ... he won't rest until he does ... After this harrowing tale I got back to the venue in time for the changeover between bands before we were going to play ... The set went great ... which is a real bonus as first day of tour shows with equipment never used before can potentially be a complete nightmare ... but as Hannibal Smith from The A-Team says "I love it when a plan comes together" ... After the show and after the load out I head back down to Scruffy's only to get to the bar for them to tell me it's just closed ... shit ... this has happened to me lots at this place ... the legend himself Rambo was outside ... now very drunk ... on the news of hearing the bar had shut the pint in his hand slowly slipped out of his grip and smashed on the ground beneath him ... not good ... I returned to the bus ... soon after I was pushing the zzzzzzz ... That was my day on September 11th 2007 DAY THREE ... JUST F*CK OFF WE DON'T GIVE A SHIT I wake up in Cardiff after an over night drive down from Birmingham ... directly in front of us are the walls and ramparts of Cardiff Castle originally built in 1091 ... And for my breakfast I cooked one of the easiest and best tour bus meals ... Huevos Rancheros ... Mexican breakfast eggs ... What you need ... Bread ... eggs ... cheese ... Tabasco sauce ... plastic cups ... microwave oven ... What you do ... In a plastic cup mix an egg with some crumbled cheese and a few squirts of Tabasco sauce ... microwave for about 45 seconds ... check ... maybe cook for a few more seconds so no liquid is left ... Then simply plop on top of bread ... Dispose of plastic cups ... create a sandwich which a second slice ... consume with gusto ... resulting in a full belly and no washing up ... Ideally a soft flour tortilla should be used for authenticity ... but on the road I always find making do with what you have is the best it usually gets ... All day today I've thought about yesterdays story about the guy from Birmingham nick-named Rambo ... to comprehend what happened to him and his family is huge ... I do believe it to be true ... it would make an amazing book ... After spending the morning writing emails ready to send ... myself and Colin were ready to find coffee ... and in an already emerging pattern we ended up walking to find a Starbucks before load in ... Once in the venue I made a b-line to try and get online ... when finding out information about the venue prior to arriving I'd asked if there was wireless internet ... which they said "yes" ... but when I tried it I discovered it wasn't working ... I knocked on the door of the office where there were three people all online ... I explained I had a stack of work to do as I'm sorting several tours out and also I will shortly be sound checking Circa Survive ... and the extent of the help I got from people in this venue the Cardiff Barfly was ... A girl across the office turned round and looked down her nose at me and sneered ... "You better go to Starbucks" ... and looked away ... if she'd said ... "JUST F*CK OFF WE DON'T GIVE A SHIT" ... it would've had the exact same sentiment ... at that point I looked round to see one of the people online was merely chatting to someone on MSN messenger ... with no obvious respect for touring bands I departed to walk back to Starbucks and pay for the internet on my credit card ... I never got half of what I wanted to get done ... and sound check resulted in being later and the knock on effect was the doors were delayed opening ... as this could've been avoided by being bothered to look after the bands properly that keep the venue running in the first place ... Another great show in the bag improved my shitty day ... and a much needed smoke on some hash afterwards improved things even more ... as did my refreshing pint of Californian Sauvignon Blanc ... chilled to perfection ... That was my day on September 12th 2007 DAY FOUR ... COMPLETELY STUCK I wake up in my bus bunk parked in a street next to Manchester University ... nothing but students in every direction ... I love this town ... Manchester is consistently one of the very best cities for live music ... the crowd is always great ... they knowledgeable about music and not a bunch of dickheads ... Both venues in this building are great ... the people who work in them are excellent at their jobs ... it's nearly always the same people ... always good to hook up again ... They had a new P.A sound system ... which I subsequently gave it a thorough sonic spanking during the show ... it was much fun and a good time mixing the band tonight ... Today has been pretty much a super-smooth day ... wireless internet ... good showers ... the show went great ... the crowd were fantastic ... maybe the best Circa Survive I've done ... everything went to plan ... at the end of the night we load the bus ...at 2am driver Kevan decides to turn the bus around ready for the 7am start ... a very uneventful day until ... Kevan turns a hard right on the steering wheel ... and then ... like a bazooka going off ... an explosion erupts from underneath the middle of the bus ... the bus raises a full two whole feet off the ground ... everybody on board got thrown from their feet to land in a heap ... under the bus the power steering pump had exploded ... and a slick of fluid laid upon the road ... our easiest day ever had turned one hundred and eighty degrees to f*ck us right up the bum ... Tomorrows show is the bands primary reason for flying here from America ... a sold out five thousand people venue ... the Brixton Academy in London ... playing main support to that movie actors band ... 30 Seconds To Mars ... a very important show for us and one that cannot be missed under any circumstances ... So here we are still in Manchester ... the scenario is ... it's gone 2am ... we are 245 miles from London ... we have to be there at 1pm the next day ... there is a bright side ... we had Guinness ... but the downside was a huge downside ... the bus is totally f*cked and we're not moving ... we are in a word ... stuck ... in two words ... COMPLETELY STUCK ... I spoke to the bus company ... they're going to repair the bus the next day ... and we would have a gold painted big Mercedes van to pick us up and get us down to London ... And with us travelling South the bus would be towed to a local Volvo bus and truck garage to get fixed ... then to meet us later in the day as we drive back in the van up to Manchester after tomorrow's London show ... With phone calls going backwards and forwards I finally crashed at nearly 5am ... That was my day on September 13th 2007 DAY FIVE ... SMASHED TO F*CK Bang on 8am I wake to get on with today's adventure ... next to our broken bus a huge golden van appeared ... so I had to wake everybody up ... I switch all the roof lights in the bus bunk aisle ... and told people to get up as it was time to switch vehicles and hit the road ... stage roadie Joshua Jaberwocky springs from his bunk to land on his feet before I'd managed to say a single word ... within seconds he was ready to go ....I joked that he was a G.I from the American Army ... as he told me afterwards he was actually from the US Special Forces ... many times he'd been far behind enemy lines ... he always completed his missions ... often leaving a trail of bodies in his path ... he'd been trained to fight with all manner of weapons ... including every different type of fire arm and blade ... and to being able to immobilise anyone in seconds with his bare hands ... I guess he's a real life Jack Bauer ... and even now he always sleeps with his rifle ... whenever he can't sleep in his bunk I hear him continuously taking his rifle to pieces and then reassembling it ... in the pitch black ... this guy a war personified ... After an ill fated mission into central America he decided to retire from his dangerous trade for something a lot less bloodthirsty and ruthless ... So he swapped tanks, Uzi's and the jungle for tour busses, guitars and music venues ... He may smoke a little weed now and tune guitars but deep down he's still a killing machine ... I believe there's an expression ... "You can take the man out of the army ... but cannot take the army out of the man" ... And this is true with Joshua ... So yeah he jumps out of bed as a G.I would ...everyone else stirs a little more subdued ... None of us properly woke up even with Freddy Krueger the scarecrow driving the golden van ... We only travel a short distance as we meet another driver who is much less scary ... he looks like a lion ... We go the 245 miles to arrive a little late at 1:30pm and load into the venue straight away ... In the first couple of hours we set up the gear and complete all then jobs needed to be done ... we ready ourselves for a sound check ... and we wait ... and we wait ... and ... we wait ... then we waited some more ... the headlining band had added new parts to their show including a string quartet and an opera singer ... this was being filmed for a live DVD so they wanted to make it and audiovisual extravaganza ... which meant it all had to be rehearsed again and again to get it perfect ... this continued until just a few minutes before doors ... then action time ... we load our gear on the stage ready to make a sound-check only to be told there was no time to do it ... later on we had to go straight on at our show time and just hope for the best ... a 8:10pm we hit the stage for a thankfully faultless set ... I was so pleased with how it all went ... after the show we eat a delicious meal the venue catering had prepared us ... then got all our gear out the second the headline band finish and we hit the road hungry to have our bus back ... we just want to lie down and sleep ... but first a four hour van journey ... after getting just over halfway I get the phone call ... "You're never going to believe what's just happened?" ... and I didn't ... Our bus had been in the garage being fixed all day ... with it all repaired and ready to go Kevan drove out to a service station ready for us to rendezvous with it ... from where we would drive up to Glasgow in Scotland ... While parked and waiting for us another bus had reversed into the front ... I couldn't believe our luck ... or rather lack of it ... exactly 24 hours after the power steering pump exploded we get our windscreen SMASHED TO F*CK by another bus ... At 3am we arrive back at the bus ... we cross load all our gear back into the bays on our bus to let the van go ... tonight we shall sleep in our once more broken bus ... After some more phone tennis another bus is sorted and is coming the next morning ... with a plan in place I crash at 5am ...That was my day on September 14th 2007 DAY SIX ... DUMBO ... HE'S F*CKING NAILS Just before 10am we are awoken with the arrival of the new bus ... first job is move all our bags and possessions from one to the other ... and then again cross load all of the bands musical equipment from one to the other ... this aspect of the scenario is beyond a joke ... we've done it five times in a day now ... but have no choice ...so act accordingly ... The new bus is silver ... it's smaller than our broken one but a lot more luxurious ... the back lounge has a hard drive full of hundreds of movies for the wide screen television ... Next to where the driver sits there is a selection of laminated tour passes stuck to wall above the window ... amongst these include ... Red Hot Chilli Peppers ... Dream Theatre ... Keane ... Michael MacDonald and many others... but what blew me away was that this was once Hot Chocolate's tour bus ... maybe Errol Brown had my bunk previously ... maybe at last I shall get some rhythm ... errr maybe not ... anyway enough of this day dreaming ... once we hit the road I hit my bunk ... I was knackered ... I slept immediately ... I woke for the second time today as we parked out the back of today's venue ... King Tuts Wah Wah Hut in Glasgow in Scotlandshire ... this is a great place to play ... so many great bands have performed here and indeed it is the same venue where Oasis were discovered ... Smooth day ... great food ... great show ... wireless internet and showers ... But we were in Scotland the home of Kilts ... Haggis and wild drinking madmen ... so after the show it's time to go drinking ... and Glasgow does nothing by halves ... I walk over to the infamous Cathouse with Jaberwocky and My Cousin Vinny ...on arriving we are greeted by a huge line of people waiting to go in ... we go straight to the front and get in for free ... it's not what you know it who you know ... we ascend the stairs to the top room ... and immediately hit the bar ... wall to wall Scottish metallers rocking out to deafening heavy metal ... we pounded the beers with the another friend called DUMBO ... HE'S F*CKING NAILS ... one of his party pieces is lifting his Reliant Robin three wheeled car above his head ... This is the bar where previously I witnessed people purchasing and drinking shots of Gordans Gin ... yes these people are mental ... After a stride back we get food have a smoke and hit the road ... in our new bus with our new driver ... his name is Kevin not to be confused with our old driver Kevan that drove the broken bus ... His satellite navigation has a selection of voices to direct your driving ... such as ... Clint Eastwood ... Ozzy Osbourne ... Homer Simpson ... Darth Vader and C3P0 ... one particularly good one was Yoda ... he is the wisest creature ever ... if Yoda tells you to do something then you'll do it ... he knows everything ... he uses the force ... he taught Luke ... in fact you could probably drive blindfolded and still navigate the streets perfectly ... remember that scene with Skywalker wearing the helmet with the visor down ... once he got good with the force he could hit that tiny flying droid every time with his light sabre ... However the satellite navigation company dissuade such behaviour ... But my favourite was John Cleese ... the rest of the voices were people imitating the real person ... but John Cleese was the actual person ... he's a legend ... I rode up front in the bus for a while and strangely the further South we got the less the radio channels were working until they all dropped out completely ... we blamed the radio being faulty but I suspected more sinister powers at work ... with Basil Faulty directing the bus I crashed out ...That was my day on September 15th 2007 DAY SEVEN ... AND ATE A CURRY I awoke this morning from hearing John Cleese tell Kevin the bus driver to "turn left and you have reached your destination" ... Knowing where our destination was I knew it was time to get up ... socks on ... deodorise ... brush teeth ... and ready for the world ... I craved a large cup of coffee so off me and the Jabberwocky go on our quest for our hot brown caffeine liquid beverage ... But something wasn't right ... the streets were deserted ... we walked all round the Earls Court area and saw not a soul ... the place was Homosapien bereft ... This is one of the biggest and busiest cities in the world ... I know its Sunday but at 11am you do expect some hussle and bussle ... Until ... One by one people started to appear ... shuffling slowly along ... with eyes bloody and sunken in their heads ... we started to approach but soon realised these were Zombies so ran into a house ... out the backdoor and into the garden ... a couple of these Undead fellows followed us ... a fat man and a skinny woman ... we needed weapons to protect ourselves with ... I get a bowl of household goods such as cups and a toaster etc ... we throw these but they don't do much damage ... the Jabberwocky gets a box of vinyl which we Frisbee at them ... again slight stunnage but they just keep coming at us ... we need more drastic weapons ... I get a cricket bat and the Jabberwocky picks up a garden spade ... in a simple frenzy of pounding violence we make short work of them ... their heads were now blancmange ... What if everywhere was getting over run by Zombies? I needed to rescue my Mum ... the Jabberwocky drives us straight round ... While I'm inside even though he was parked he still manages to crash the car ... it was obvious why he'd done it ... he wanted to drive my Dad's Jaguar ... but ... shit ... the Zombies appear again ... one takes a bite out of Dad's shoulder ... shit ... he's bleeding but seems OK ... I beat the neck biter with my cricket bat ... all in the Jag we speed away ... next stop we need to get Liz ... I have to climb a drain pipe to get in ... I explain the situation to her ... and soon enough we are out and back in the Jag ... there are hundreds of the Undead everywhere now ... we need to get away ... where can we go? ... the pub seemed the best place ... the pub is always the best place whatever the problem ... didn't really know where else to go ... But ... shit ... and shit again ... we are all in the car and Dad had now turned into one of them ... we scramble out of the car in the nick of time and get the f*ck out of there ... with my paternal Zombie trapped inside ... our only choice is to proceed on foot ... it's here we meet some similar types to us also looking to get away ... one is Yvonne an old friend ... we share some pleasantries and continue on our own quests ... We need a quick way to the pub so do some garden hoping ... I get attacked by another one of the bastard Zombies ... we battle and tumble ... I can't let it bite me ... with some nifty moves I impale it to a tree with a the post from a rotary washing line ... I look over the fence ... we are so close to the pub ... but between us and it are hundreds of the Undead ... We can't kill them all so if you can't beat them join them ... but only on a temporary basis ... we imitate the Zombies to get to the pub ... I can't believe it worked but it did ... I guess they are a bit dim ... the Jabberwocky nearly blew it when he took a phone call but we got in OK ... what next? ... we feast on beer and crisps ... the breakfast of champions ... Through the windows are silhouettes of the Zombies ... but from nowhere the landlord of the pub appears ... and he's one of them ... we are in for a fight ... the jukebox kicks