26 DAYS IN THE LIFE OF A sound man / tour manager ON THE ROAD WITH DRY KILL LOGIC FROM NEW YORK USA October 26th to November 20th 2006 by mark von sound 1. PLANES TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES DAY ONE ... So today has been interesting .. really has been a case of planes trains and automobiles .. taxi to Nottingham train station .. train to Birmingham with a pair of drunken chav nutters to piss everyone off then change trains and get the one to the airport .. with my luggage I was so happy the lifts were working in all three of the train stations .. Then the ever so exciting mono rail from my last station to the airport .. straight out of Total Recall .. first stop Starbucks .. caramel macchiato .. the best .. check in .. through security .. then low and behold another Starbucks .. caramel macchiato number two .. still the best ..wait for a bit and play my airport game of try and guess the nationality of people .. but once nationality has been guessed you must confirm it by following them to hear them talk .. doing this unnoticed is trickier than you think when you are covered in tattoos, wearing shorts .. today most people were Scottish or German .. easy you may think .. but a dark haired Scot can look very German until you see the Simon Cowell high waistband and roll-neck sweater .. on the plane there was some turbulence but only enough to see the stewardess zooming down the aisle chasing a trolley full of drinks .. food was a cheese roll only big enough for an Umpa-Lumpa .. land in Frankfurt .. collect bags then off to the hotel in a shuttle bus and here I am in my room .. to keep the cost down for the band I got the cheapest hotel which turned out to be £30 a night .. the room has just sad little single bed but its cheap .. so I go over to the desk and open the drawer .. the whole bloody thing collapses and clatters everywhere on the floor .. the previous guest has booby-trapped me .. bastard .. so I turn the TV on and the best ever .. on is some German guy with a huge moustache tearing telephone directories in half he does over a hundred and doesnt even break a sweat .. next .. Oh my god had to change channel some guy is putting a tarantula in his mouth .. wrong wrong wrong .. not good and the stuff nightmares are made of .. Next channel is Patrick Swayze overdubbed in German .. a vast improvement .. German TV really is bollocks .. no wonder they dress up in lederhosen and go out and get drunk on gallon jugs of beer instead .. and then go yodeling .. But my savior is wireless internet in my room so I can get this online before I forget it keep reading see you at the end .. that has been my day on October 26th 2006 2. THE FIRE ENGINE DAY TWO ... The day starting from me being picked up in the tour bus .. our vehicle of sleep, transport and recreation is entirely bright red .. I thought it logical to name it THE FIRE ENGINE .. I have since arranged my clothes in a way I can put them on in one go so I can replicate how a fireman has his uniform when he need to jump into action and save the day .. as of yet no fires or even a cat stuck in a tree or a midget stuck in a well .. Next .. back to Frankfurt airport to pick the band up from their non-stop flight from JFK airport in New York City .. I got in the terminal and my first port of call was purchasing the worst cup of coffee of my life, the taste was how I imagine a cup of hot water which had a tea spoon of coal dust stirred in it ..Their flight was delayed by an hour so breakfast was my next thought .. My Luck was still out as the simple option of a cheese and tomato sandwich was again the consumption of the morning loser .. it was soggier than a rich tea biscuit being dunked in a cup of tea (quote Peter Kay) .. so if you are ever hungry or thirsty at Frankfurt airport .. then my advice to you is dont try and satisfy your needs at this oasis if disgusting misfortune ! .. So band picked up and off to Cologne .. I hand out the laminated passes to the band .. the guitarist Jason got a specially made one which Id laminated one of my pubes in it for him .. I believe he will cherish it forever .. maybe one day I will be cloned from my DNA much like the t-rex from Jurassic Park .. the remainder of the day was for chilling before the shows kick in from the next day onwards .. that was my day on Friday October 28th 2006 3. THE AUSFAHRT CHALLENGE DAY THREE ... Following the lazy day of yesterday today was the official start of the tour .. Id just had thirteen hours of sleep and was ready to take on the world .. We had loaded in and sound checked and done all that crap when my patience was seriously tested when having to deal with retards on three occasions .. yes stupid idiots who should know better .. Our bass-player Brendan informed me our dressing room was full of the other bands consuming our food and drinks .. I stormed up there got them all thrown out and Frisbeed a plate across the room from where some prick had been eating ON my laptop .. me, not happy .. I have been touring for many years and not once had I ever just walked into someone elses dressing room and helped myself .. you just dont .. you want to piss people off and make enemies then do that ..OK so back down to the stage to deal with the next issue .. Id said it was OK for the support bands to use some of our equipment .. this one kid had carried in some stuff which they obviously didnt need now .. he gave me the shittiest look ever as if Id just stole his wallet, killed his pets and slept with his mum .. his beard was far too tidy for a metal band anyhow .. I fronted up to him and told him to sort his f*cking attitude out .. he never crossed my path again .. right back to the dressing room for our dinner .. we were all sat there and this guy just walks in helps himself to a drink and sits down .. I piped up .. can I help you? .. he replies .. No Im with Pitfall .. Pitfall were the support band .. so I was straight back him .. well this isnt Pitfalls dressing room .. he storms out slamming the door so hard he nearly takes the whole door frame with him .. the nerve of the guy .. If he wasnt twice the size of me and built like Conan the destroyer then Id have bounced him off every wall in Cologne (yeah right) .. well it turned out the two guys who gave me attitude were not even in the bands .. they were just hangers-on .. it sucks that its these fools who give the bands a bad name .. Right then its time for the doors to open and I got to get the guest-list in .. Im typing it up and there it is I couldnt believe it .. Nicola Fahrt (pron. Fart) .. how about that .. hilarious .. its like being called burp or cock or tits or crap .. hang on I do know a bus driver called Crapper but thats another story .. Just outside the show I bumped in to a friend from Belgian .. this is the same guy who took myself and the band I was with to the best bar in Brussels which had a directory of 3,500 beers they had in behind the bar .. most were Belgian connoisseur beers and so with my dislike of that flowery shite plumped for a can of draught Guinness .. Showtime .. I started mixing the sound for band .. and stood in front of me was guy whos head was shaved in tiger stripes .. it mustve taken ages and the result was a hair style that looked so stupid I laughed like a mad man at him .. and then .. he turned round and was sporting a ridiculous bushy Adolf Hitler moustache .. this was nothing short of phenomenal .. I had tears rolling down my face with hilarity at this point and was bereft of ribs .. So onto the show .. the band played and crowd were great .. but three-quarters way through set singer Cliff started of a song screaming at the crowd .. are you ready? .. the reply .. Yeah .. this happened built up for maybe a dozen times ready for the guitar to kick in super heavy and super rifftastic .. but instead of a thundering wall of sound all the noise that came was .. plink, plink, blink, buzz, buzz .. then silence .. that was Spinal Tap at its best .. nice one !! .. with guitar fixed the rock continued .. this kid crowd surfed from front to back, side to side and obviously thought he was the man .. until this poor unfortunate changed from being horizontal on the hands to vertical straight down on his head .. he ate shit !! .. During the show another tour bus had showed up to park next to our venue .. that Australian band Jet were playing down the street .. the exhaust pipe from that bus pumped straight through a vent on the wall and onto the stage .. when I saw the guys afterwards their faces were purple, eyes streaming and couldnt breath .. ah well another day in the office .. loaded and hanging at the end of the night .. two of the Americans enquired on the rules of cricket .. these people have the attention span of goldfish and the intelligence to match so this information fell on deaf ears .. I next set Phil the drummer .. THE AUSFAHRT CHALLENGE .. Ausfarht is the German word for exit .. you see it everywhere .. my mission for him was to photograph fifty signs which say Ausfahrt .. we will see if it happens .. watch this space .. btw meet Bubba our all round roadie hard worker he is six feet seven inches tall and built like a brick shit house .. I witnessed him crush a pool ball in one hand to crumble it to powder .. very please hes on my side .. that was my day on Saturday October 29th 2006 4. THE CONCRETE CUPBOARD OF DESPAIR DAY FOUR ... On the way to the show in the colourfully named M–nchengladbach .. pronounced Munchen-glad-back .. crazy Germans and their silly long words .. it amazes me that kids learn this ridiculous language in school .. surely English is so much easier and much more useful in life .. at a truck stop I venture inside to purchase a sandwich .. cheese and tomato again .. lightening wont strike twice I thought .. but yeah .. the sister sandwich for the disgusting soggy abortion of a snack which I acquired previously from Frankfurt airport .. as you can imagine I was not best pleased until I looked out the bus window to see a guy get out of his truck wearing tight leather dungarees, clogs and a mane of fuzzy hair .. only in Germany would someone dress like a leather clad, wooden shoed clown .. stick him in the freak show I say .. Parked up in the town waiting for the promoter whos late .. some woman walks on the bus .. I say .. what do you want? .. she replies .. just looking .. no one just walks into your house just to have a look around .. so I tell the nosy cow to .. get off .. Todays venue is a concrete cupboard of despair .. it smells like a swamp .. get in, play and get the f*ck out as quick as possible .. No dressing room, no showers, no internet, not fun .. shoot me I want to die .. ah its not that bad .. Off the side of the stage there was a room for equipment etc .. Bubba the six feet seven roadie was working from there .. Well to be honest it was more of a cave than a room .. the mouldy mildew was damp in air .. with a torch you could see the green beard of decay on the walls all around you .. I will get him checked out in a hospital the next day as I fear he may have come down with a dose of the Bubonic Plague .. also known as the black death .. that was my day on Sunday October 29th 2006 5. CHECKERBOARD FLIPPERS DAY FIVE .. Welcome to me bunk .. its over six feet long .. just over two feet tall .. you have curtains to shut out the rest of the world .. theres two lights, an air blower and a plug socket .. I always sleep so much better in a bus bunk than at home in my big bed .. I love it .. it is my nest .. Well its the end of October and its so hot outside .. I tell you Im all for this global warming .. I love summer .. imagine how great it would be to have Summer twelve months of the year and it never rain or snow .. it would be better than the best ever .. no need for umbrellas, Wellington boots or even windscreen wipers .. Snowploughs could be adapted to deliver soup to homeless people .. its a win win scenario .. Bit sidetracked there .. we return to Frankfurt today .. when I got up I witnessed our German bus driver Olly eating a huge Frankfurter sausage .. it seemed more like the result from some terrible industrial accident than a nasty processed food product .. Phils Ausfahrt challenge has got him only seven so far with forty -three to go .. we will see .. I am confident hell do it .. Todays venue was bizarre .. in a previous life it was a ammo bunker from the 2nd World War .. its built into the side of a mountain with walls that are four feet thick .. its mad playing places like this .. try and imagine the history and chaos that went on here sixty years ago .. Was a good day for me as some of my friends came ... Jenny, Mitch and their pals ... they come to lots of shows I do in this part of Germany .. been hanging with them for years and always good to see them .. well they often bring me culinary treats .. so today to tie in with tomorrows Halloween I got the most amazing pumpkin soup .. However the band went on the hunt for food .. all they found was a garage which had frozen uncooked pizza .. which they decided to microwave .. this is so wrong .. instead of a crispy delicious pizza they each had a twelve inch disc of hot squidgy pizza dough .. it was hot and stretchy and not for human consumption .. but that didnt stop them eating it !! End of the night I was about to go to bed .. but got stopped by two huge canoe like obstacles in my way .. Bubbas old slip on vans skate shoes .. I put my foot next to his shoe .. it felt the same as I did when I was five years old and I put my feet next to my Dads shoes .. Bubba wears size 16 .. this things were like CHECKER BOARD FLIPPERS .. I felt like an extra from the movie The Borrowers .. that was my day on Monday October 30th 2006 6. ENGLAND BURNS ALL THEIR BOOKS DAY SIX .. Happy Halloween .. this doesnt really get celebrated much in Germany .. but the band made an effort wearing scary masks and using the theme from the Halloween movie as an intro for their show. The venue today was part of a castle like tower from the old city walls .. was pretty cool as a building with gargoyles etc on the inside .. also today the bus entertainments got stepped up with the addition of satellite TV .. as Ive said before German TV is terrible and now we have one hundred channels of it .. joy .. you can have any one of your favourite TV shows overdubbed in German and ruined .. but we got two weeks in England coming up so we can have at least get crap TV in English !! .. On more than one occasion on this tour I have walked in on several members of band reading books .. I need to think like an old school dictator and gather all the books and burn them in one big pile .. must stamp out freethinking and introduce non-stop beer drinking .. and the burning can also tie in with my English Guy Fawkes celebration .. for those of you who dont know about this .. every November 5th everyone in ENGLAND BURNS ALL THEIR BOOKS and dances naked round the fire chanting .. Beer beer we want more beer, all the lads are cheering get the f*cking beers in now .. for a more detailed explanation of Guy Fawkes just put a search in Google .. The rain and the wind today were out of control .. the rain sounded like a million marbles being thrown on the bus roof .. and the wind was so strong Bubba got swept of his feet and was thrown across the street landing in a heap on the other side !! .. And then we finished the day with a lovely bottle of Sicilian red .. how civilized .. that was my day on October 31st 2006 7. A SWAMP DAY SEVEN .. last day in Germany in Saarbrucken in the West of the country then tomorrow we are off to Switzerland .. well today was pretty uneventful so I shall discuss the tour toilet and shower scenario .. at home you take your nice comfortable warm bathroom for granted .. today I missed mine so much .. In the backstage was a toilet and a shower in individual rooms .. With no heating these rooms they were as cold as Siberia .. I swear there was a polar bear stealing toilet paper to keep warm.. but thats not the worst .. one of the many support bands took a dump on the floor .. yes the floor .. so to use this toilet you had to negotiate human excrement .. really not nice .. and so onto the shower .. this freezing mouldy room got flooded so easily with a dozen people showering it turned into A SWAMP .. the towels we were given were size of postage stamps .. but at least the water was hot .. so often when you get to venue showers the water is freezing .. so next time you are in your comfortable bathroom remember us poor foot soldiers washing on the frontline .. the glamour of it all !! but hey its worth it as its all part of the adventure .. that was my day on November 1st 2006 8. THE LOCH NESS MONSTER DAY EIGHT .. Today started bad .. bus trouble .. all five fan belts on the bus took a shit and snapped so we had to find a bus garage and get them fixed .. ending up a couple of hours late .. My god Switzerland is freezing .. much like Hoth the ice planet .. on the way to the venue we drove past the Zurich ghettos .. the poorer people here live in igloos and hunt seals with spears as they have done for over a thousand years .. Polar bears are their natural foe .. We arrived at the venue building to be greeted by a dozen beautiful Swiss ladies welding random spikey bits of metal to other random bits of spikey metal .. and they call it art !! To get to the venue you got to get a lift that goes down ten floors into the caves under the city .. it was all part of an old diamond mine .. Swiss kids go nuts more than German kids .. smashing bottles on each other in the mosh pit .. after the show we smoked some of Switzerlands finest and witnessed dragons, floating trucks, THE LOCH NESS MONSTER and flying fish .. that was my day on November 2nd 2006 9. TORN APART BY LIONS DAY NINE .. so here we are in Italy .. after driving through the Alps we hit a truck-stop .. on sale here is a huge selection of porn and expresso coffee, not a Ginsters Pasty in site .. we arrive in Turin which is not one of Italys nicest cities in fact this place looks like one huge building site .. at around 3pm we arrive at the venue and lucky us .. we have to load upstairs .. once everything is in I plug in my iPod and play Slayers South Of Heaven through the sound-system .. this sound-system is made up of six wooden boxes containing a selection of speakers .. well out of the six speaker boxes just one worked .. so I had to tell the venue unless they sort this then they dont have a show .. its 5pm they tell me a new sound-system will arrive in 30 mins .. all good .. but it doesnt arrive .. I keep getting told its on its way .. so 6:30pm, 7:30pm, 8:30pm passes and doors are supposed to be open but still no sound-system .. the deadline before cancelling the show was 9:10pm .. at 9:09pm it arrives in three cars .. they load it in and semi set it up .. the next problem is we dont have power for the stage for the bass and guitar equipment .. so enough is enough and we have to cancel the show .. never before have I seen such a display of incompetence from a venue ever .. these lazy incompetent people were a joke .. I say send them down to Rome to get TORN APART BY LIONS for the entertainment of the rich in the coliseum .. Getting back to my previous discussion about venue toilets and showers .. well this place had no shower .. but the toilet was a hole in the ground and a hose pipe .. no paper just a small room with no door handle or lock and this one so-called toilet was for both men and women and the only one in the entire venue .. where have they sent us .. this is the venue from hell and a complete disaster .. that was my day on November 3rd 2006 10. KICK-BOX THE ANGRY BEAST DAY TEN .. Today is our second and final show in Italy .. I cant say I will be sorry to get it done and get out of this country .. For years Ive been coming here and just dont enjoy doing shows here .. show promoters have my sympathy as they have some of the best and they try and make a difference and get a scene going but the venues are the worst in Europe .. not just some of them but all of them .. its a constant battle to get things done .. One problem is that buying tickets in advance for shows gets taxed so its cheaper to buy tickets on the door which means no-one has a clue how many people will come to the show and so everything is put together on a shoestring budget .. it sucks !! .. the venue today was by the small town of Cesena towards the Eastern coast near Rimini and the Italian Riviera .. More terrible sound-system problems but we just had to deal with it today .. but we were looking forward to the restaurant meal we told would happen that evening .. but no surprise this didnt happen and some take-away pizzas were bought in .. bugger !! So today we have real toilet, shower, door handle and locking door but no hot water .. this room again turned into a swamp .. great !! I twisted my ankle pretty bad today .. I think it dislocated as my foot felt like it had popped out of the ankle joint .. you have three choices of how this happened .. one .. during a support band I was in the pit and was doing flying karate kicks and kicked a mirror ball on the ceiling .. Two ..Just sat down in the office on my computer working and when I stood up I couldnt walk .. Three .. one of the Zurich polar bears followed us to Italy and I had to KICK-BOX THE ANGRY BEAST to submission .. It was quite a big venue considering we were in the middle of nowhere and I guess people travel here from miles around .. it was really just a metal disco with a couple of bands playing as part of the entertainment .. the band had minimal response .. but when they walked off stage hundreds of kids rushed the dance floor to jump up and down like spanners to Slipknot .. over the years for what Ive sussed out about Italy is the kids are not very knowledgeable about the underground music scene like they are elsewhere .. Italy sort it out !! After the show we witnessed a couple of fights amongst the locals outside .. always good for a laugh .. drunken foreigners knocking each other around .. before retiring to the shelf-like bunk .. I drank a bottle of red wine .. purely for medicinal purposes of course .. that was my day on November 4th 2006 11. FOURTEEN YEAR OLD ARMS DEALER DAY ELEVEN .. So today is English celebration of Guy Fawkes Night .. when we have firework displays, big bonfires and drink soup from foam cups that never cool down so you just have to give in with impatience and scald your mouth .. goodtimes !! I remember when I was in school I got kicked out for selling fireworks to other kids .. highly irresponsible and something not to be proud of .. but if I could re-live my childhood Id do it all again .. being a FOURTEEN YEAR OLD ARMS DEALER in a Devonshire country town has got to be an achievement and something to tell the grandchildren. No gig today as we are doing our mighty journey to England from the far side of Italy .. going across the whole width of Switzerland and up through France .. I spent most of the day in my bunk sleeping and resting my foot and watching the latest downloads of Lost and Prison Break .. got to get my fix even if I am a nomad .. I did have a very vivid and mad dream .. I flew in Manchester in England got off the plane and it was Chicago .. then checked into the poshest hotel in town .. through all this I had a larger than normal Chihuahua .. which could talk .. it spoke with a French accent .. if youve seen a TV cartoon called The Brak Show .. then he had the same voice as Braks dad .. for food the dog ate room service croissants with its friend a three foot grasshopper .. also in my dream was my old French teacher from school Miss Pike .. I always remember she used to wear thin blouses which would become see-through when the sun shone through the window .. for myself and the other thirteen year old boys this was a life changing event which we would never forget .. So back to reality .. on the journey across Switzerland we took a slight detour to pop to Zurich to again acquire some more of Switzerlands finest herb in order to make the next couple of days a lot more chilled .. My ankle is still killing and has swollen to the size of a beach-ball and my shoe doesnt fit .. I spent a large portion of the day training for the special Olympics .. my chosen event was the 50 metre truck stop shuffle .. I needed a zimmer frame like some crumbly grandma .. so I think the best thing to do is sit on the bus and drink gallons of red wine .. did you know Red Bull is illegal in France? Some stupid kid drank fifty cans once and had a heart attack then they outlawed it .. that was my day on November 5th 2006 12. VINO-MIRACLE-GUINEA-PIGS DAY TWELVE .. A wonderful thing has happened today .. and because of this wonderful thing I am considering a new career in medicine .. Yesterday I had a twisted swollen ankle and couldnt walk .. last night I drink selction of red wine .. today the swelling has gone down and I can walk much easier .. the healing qualities of the right wines is nothing short of a miracle .. with a mix of two different Italian red wines and one Spanish was the tonic which cured me .. I shall start doing tests with wine combinations to combat headaches, asthma, tennis elbow, piles and snow-blindness .. I shall of course need willing volunteers with these afflictions .. I shall call them VINO-MIRACLE-GUINEA-PIGS .. We continue our drive up through France and Belgium then back into France to the Euro-tunnel .. the immigrant problem here is crazy .. as trucks pull up in this area, either on the road or in truck stops .. immigrants run out and try and hide underneath or inside the trucks .. drivers have to keep checking as I believe the fine is £4000 per person even if you dont know they are there .. as you drive along you can see rows of them trying to hide along the tops of the embankments next to the road .. not really sure what the answer is .. I really dont think we should round them up and shoot them as that doesnt fit in with my beliefs in life .. but what I do think we should do is print special maps which swap England and Morocco .. then distribute these maps for free amongst them .. they would all head off to North Africa .. therefore the problem would be solved .. On a much lighter note cigarettes are forty Euros a carton here .. thats half the UK ££ cost .. this is makes smoking simply a necessary .. At a truck stop I also saw a company called Bum Air-conditioning .. only in Belgium!! Meet Olly our bus driver .. he is German and is a smashing bloke .. when driving he listens to Rammstein or Barry White .. he shouts at the other traffic in German .. I could just imagine him driving a Panzer Tank in the 2nd World War .. he also gets grumpy if there isnt lots of meat in his dinner .. and he wears rubber clogs probably to try and save him if he was struck by lightning .. Right next to where the bus was parked waiting for the Channel Tunnel (Chunnel) was a guy on a bike with a thin black moustache, wearing a beret, , striped blue n white jersey and a string of onions around his neck .. how about that .. he really does exist .. In the terminal next to the Chunnel there are shops .. I purchase a newspaper .. the headlines say Saddam Hussein had been sentenced to death by hanging .. thats nuts .. so often on the road you just live in a tour bubble and forget about the real world going on outside .. so the Chunnel .. I dont like it .. it links us up with France .. means plague ridden rats will run up and infect us all .. btw Bubba came through clear when I had him tested for Black Death from the swamp room in Munchengladbach last week .. At 3am we have to do the passport checks .. Cliff .. Dry Kill Logics singer uses the toilet on the bus which unknown to him happens to be full .. a river of man-liquid gushes down from under the bus over the shoes of the French customs guy .. ooops .. but .. tomorrow when I wake up I will be England and on a mission to show the Americans that there is good food in the UK .. like most bands from across the pond they are convinced all food in England is disgusting .. you just got to know where to go .. and also tomorrow its my Birthday .. that was my day on November 6th 2006 13. ANOTHER YEAR UNDER MY BELT DAY THIRTEEN .. back in blighty where everything is normal .. we again are driving on the correct side of the road, Guinness is on tap, Ginsters Pasties, money with the Queens head on it, mugs of tea, marmite, salt n vinegar crisps .. god bless our green and pleasant land !! .. I wake up on the morning of my birthday .. and for my special birthday lunch I treat myself to the on the road delicacy that is the Ginsters cheese and onion pasty and a bucket of coffee .. So we head on to the venue .. today is Southampton .. a pretty dreadful place where a lot of older crumblier people come to retire, therefore so many of the shop windows are bifocal .. First job is to walk to the shops and find the new Family Guy DVD season five box-set .. we all love this show .. fourteen new episodes of pure genius .. The venue food was what we call on the road veggie-slop .. any tomato based goo with pasta, spuds or rice .. enjoyed by no-one .. So again back to my ongoing discussion regarding the shower scenario .. I go to have a shower .. the light worked, the door shut with a lock, there was a pile of towels .. but .. the shower didnt work at all .. it made a noise like a power drill but no water .. so I had to do the old sink wash !! Show went OK .. In conclusion my birthday wasnt so good and did suck but every birthday Ive done a gig on hasnt been that great .. the only card I got was from my Gran who sent it a month early which arrived before I left for the tour .. bless, shes old !! .. no cake, no presents and all the Guinness I had I bought myself .. but hey I am really happy and on the road with a good bunch of guys I like a lot .. I dont work in an office and everyday is an adventure .. I got lots of myspace, text, phonecall birthday wishes which means a lot to me .. I think Im gonna have another birthday at end of the month .. and the next one Im not going to be able to remember so easy .. with ANOTHER YEAR UNDER MY BELT that was my day on November 7th 2006 14. GAPING AXE WOUND LIVE DAY FOURTEEN .. Lincoln in Lincolnshire in England is our destination today .. there was no parking at the venue .. so we had to stop to unload blocking half the street off .. then from out of nowhere a traffic warden appeared the second we got there .. as if he was beamed in .. Bubba tied him up and through him in a cupboard on the bus .. a minute after, an Ambulance had to fight through the traffic .. I felt bad !! .. we put all the equipment on the small carpark so the bus could park elsewhere .. then had to load in up a two level one hundred and eighty two step staircase ..The star of the day was the promoter .. I shook his hand when meeting him and noticed he only had just three fingers on one hand .. he said he lost it when it was bitten off by a Great White shark the previous year .. he was barking mad .. he would physically sprint around the venue dodging in and out of people .. so fast he was a blur .. but a good bloke with lots of good on the road stories .. touring with bands like Elton John, The Cure, Dinosaur Jnr, The Swans .. The dressing room was a room in the owners flat .. but most of the time its a young childs playroom .. let me describe it to you .. there was a hammock of teddies .. two cases of beer .. Mini Mouse Clock .. selection of cold meats and cheese .. and for whatever reason a darts trophy and an industrial floor buffer .. and characters from Pooh Bear all over the door and radiator .. this was a very odd scenario for a New York heavy metal band to find themselves in .. For a change I managed to check out the support bands .. opening band The Voice of Treason were simply dreadful .. the two guitarists were hilarious, one in a white shirt and black braces then other in the opposite .. both with emo style corpse paint on their faces .. their singing sounded like a deaf man screaming in a bucket .. the main guy looked like Smeagol from LOTR .. next band Gaping Axe Wound were a three piece grindcore band and were fabulous .. so please remember if you ever get the chance to see GAPING AXE WOUND LIVE then go for it .. main support were Detonal State (must look up what that means on Wikipedia.com) .. good luck ..not for me .. average metal .. then onto my boys Dry Kill Logic .. they played good .. it wasnt packed but they got quite a few in .. crowd was super-lame tonight .. but apparently in Lincoln in Lincolnshire in England its normal for a crowd to just stand and stare .. after all that we loaded down the two level one hundred and eighty two step staircase .. today we had a quest for weed .. and the quest was achieved .. bus driver Olly was very happy today as he ate twelve different types of meat .. burger.. ham .. frankfurter .. southern fried chicken .. meatloaf .. bacon .. roast turkey .. lamb chops .. sweet and sour pork (pork that is sweet and pork that is sour which in my book is two different porks) .. kebab meat .. pepperoni .. steak .. that was my day on November 8th 2006 15. GREASY-CHEESE-OIL-SPONGE-DOUGH-BREAD-PIE DAY FIFETEEN .. the sun is shining on Plymouth in Devonshire in England .. Sixteen years ago I used to live in this town .. theres a road called Union Street ... I lived by it .. when I used to walk down in the day time you would see pools of dried blood from the night before on the street outside more than half of the fifty or more bars and clubs .. todays venue was right by this area which most nights is full of drunken fighting sailors, marines and locals .. its patrolled by the regular Police, Marine Police and the Navy Police to break up the near constant trouble .. on the adjacent streets in the area there are for the visiting sailors .. hundreds of whores .. I cant believe I happily lived in the middle of all this .. Arrived early today .. and it was a day of culture for the un-historic Americans .. I took them to the place where Sir Francis Drake finished his game of bowls before going crazy-ape-shit on the Spanish Armada .. following this culture overload they had the English delicacy of Fish and Chips .. Cliff the singer started throwing chips to the seagulls .. it attracted more and more and before he new it there were nearly thirty of them stealing the rest of his food .. he got covered in gull poop .. his clothes got ripped to shreds from the sharp beaks and talons and so he needed several stitches in the bleeding wounds .. in the hospital waiting room was a man with a screwdriver stuck in his head and another physically holding his eyeball in with his hand .. and a shark-bite victim .. now all stitched up .. we had to go shopping for an essential item .. a pipe .. mission accomplished .. Tonights show was f*cking great .. the crowd went mental like a couple of rutting stags .. just what the band needed after to playing to the wall-flowers of Southampton and Lincoln .. Lots of dancing girls which face it we all like to see .. At the end of the night we had the worst pizza ever .. shouldve renamed it GREASY-CHEESE-OIL-SPONGE-DOUGH-BREAD-PIE .. the venue had no shower but did have a toilet with piss all over the seat .. that was my day on November 9th 2006 16. THE CITY OF THE DEAD DAY SIXTEEN .. Today started at a truck-stop with the great coffee machine fiasco .. I pressed the button for my coffee thinking my cup would drop .. but instead coffee started spraying everywhere .. only then I noticed the cups on a higher shelf but when I frantically tried to get one they were all stuck together .. by the time I got my cup out we were ankle deep in cappuccino .. So .. onto todays rock concert in the metal music Mecca of Weston Super Mare .. this year Ive done shows in places like New York, Milan, Sydney, and London .. now I feel like Ive hit the big-time and moved up to the next level as today we are playing a venue called Hobbits in Weston Super Mare in Somerset in England .. this town is where old crumbly people go to die .. to quote Stewie from Family Guy .. its Gods waiting room !! .. And to emphasize this on arrival I head off to find good Italian filter coffee for the bus .. essential way to start the day .. I go to a supermarket .. they dont have it but I ask where does .. the old woman told me the directions and its a thirty minute walk .. Im there in three minutes .. old people walk real slow .. when I get to the bigger supermarket its entirely occupied by white haired slow creatures with sticks for support and protection .. I felt like I was wondering THE CITY OF THE DEAD .. I expected to see the grim reaper at the end of every aisle choosing his next victim .. Back at the venue .. the dressing room is a small two tone brown and white caravan in the car park behind the venue .. very Pikey and straight from the movie Snatch .. and again no shower today .. the toilet is a very small chemical toilet .. six foot seven Bubba tried it and his knees touched the ceiling !! .. Onto the show .. In the opening band there was a Devin Townsend lookalike (if you dont know what he looks like then Goolge image it) .. he told us during their whole set his new false front teeth kept falling out .. it was his debut concert with them in and assured us next time he will use glue .. Olly was happy as we got two trays of chicken .. he even ate the bones .. The people at the show seemed really tall then I realised they all had the huge New-Rok boots and so heavy they all looked like they were all walking on the moon .. bunch of spackers .. Not many in tonight but they were suitably over excited .. no mosh pit .. but I guess you cant mosh with those stupid Marilyn Manson moon lead wellies on .. but there was a circle of kids all head-banging in unison .. The load out sucked as it was in the pissing rain .. didnt see much of bass-player Brendan today .. all day he had ferocious, frequent, burning, violent diarrhoea .. not an ideal scenario on the road, which resulted in him being AWOL in the venue toilet often .. he began the day on the bus with what we call hot-bagging .. shitting in a bag .. in an emergency you got to survive .. very glad he made it through the show .. you will be pleased to know he is now feeling a hell of a lot better now .. as I write this we are driving from Middle Earth going North .. Didnt see a single Elf all day .. that was my day on November 10th 2006 17. WHEN IN BRADFORD EAT FUNKY PIE DAY SEVENTEEN .. we are now in Bradford in Yorkshire in England .. famous for some of the worlds finest curries .. and poor cousin to neighbouring city Leeds .. The name of the venue is Rio .. been a few years since I was here last .. I was hobbling earlier today on my bad ankle .. decided I am gonna get Forest Gump callipers to aid my movement .. and when Im better I will run, run fast and the callipers will fall off .. Upstairs from the venue there is a small gym .. singer cliff spent over five hours beating the shit out of a punch bag and I swear he never stopped to even draw breathe .. the man is a machine .. he is a true athlete .. you really got to see his flying karate kicks and backflips during the shows .. For once great showers but unfortunately the towels ran out .. however outside it was monsoon season in Bradford today with hurricane force winds .. and for the second time on the tour Bubba was blown across the street and straight through a shop window .. he was OK but we had to run .. run Forest run .. After the show several of the posse went for a curry .. the best thing Ive eaten in ages .. it was .. infinity X phenomenal = amazing .. so good .. with naan and samosas .. the best .. some of the guys had a dessert called a funky pie .. really good .. so I guess .. WHEN IN BRADFORD EAT FUNKY PIE .. post curry myself and Bubba ventured back into the venue which was now a metal dance club .. on the dance floor were two fifty year old guys playing air guitar to bands such as GnR, Metallica, Green Day and RATM .. Looking round there were a couple of forty +plus glam rocker ladies one was a Cher lookalike and the other Alice Cooper .. then the guy in front of us was cruising the club drinking other peoples drinks (mine-sweeping) .. and he was a Gene Simmons double .. it was a night of the stars .. our pints of Guinness was finished and so we retired to the bus .. that was my day on November 11th 2006 18. ZEBRAS BARING GIFTS DAY EIGHTEEN .. on a sombre note today is Remembrance Sunday and at the 11th minute of the 11th hour I held my minute of silence to remember the Soldiers who have done there bit for us .. I was in fact asleep .. but bought my poppy yesterday from a very wobbly old man at a motorway service station .. when the minutes silence happened the my Americans were in a truck-stop cafÈ ordering coffee .. they were about to pay when the minute of silence started .. They didnt know what was happening as everyone there just stopped what they were doing and stood in silence .. after thirty seconds of this drummer Phil piped up in a broad New York accent (think De Niro in Taxi Driver).. What the f*ck is going on? I just want to pay for my f*cking coffee and all you limeys are ignoring me .. ignorant uncultured slobs that they are .. Today is Manchester in Manchestershire in Enlgand .. the venue is The Music box .. last time I was here was back in 2003 ..I was dreading the nightmare load in down the steep stairs ..No shower again and the only toilet in the building that had a seat again was covered in piss !! .. the previous nights curry didnt agree with several of the Americans as they were running for the toilets all day only guitarist Jason got away with it with an iron constitution .. The singer of the main support had a broken leg which had a huge cast on it .. he spent their whole set perched on his crutches in the middle of the stage wobbling around the mic stand like a sapling in the wind .. several times I thought he was gonna go over like Bambi on Ice .. but no dice !! .. just before the show a couple of kids mistook me for the singer Cliff .. so I autographed seven cds and a couple of tickets as well as having my picture taken with them .. then I had to fake a phone call to escape as my cover would soon be blown .. they never said anything later as I guess they felt pretty stupid ..In the mosh-pit I thought I saw the Noel and Liam Gallagher but it was in fact a couple of Death Metal kids with large eyebrows and mullets .. When I was on stage packing equipment away .. then this girl dressed like a zebra appeared from nowhere and gave me a bag of weed .. completely out of the blue .. so when in Manchester be aware of ZEBRAS BARING GIFTS .. To continue the animal theme .. Bubba bought himself a very large elephants foot lamb kebab from a local chippy .. I told him when I lived in Plymouth a kebab shop had been closed down when two Red Setter dogs had been found in the freezer .. it came to light afterwards that lots of dogs for many years had been going missing in the area .. undeterred he finished his doner .. that was my day on November 12th 2006 19. SIX SIX SIX THOUSAND DAY NINETEEN .. its 9am and a day off .. from here only 2/3 hours train ride back to get home .. home is Nottingham in Nottinghamshire in England .. population is 666000 .. yes SIX SIX SIX THOUSAND .. I live in the devil number town .. this town is known as Gun City due to the amount of gun crime here .. in fact there is one newspaper that calls my town Shottingham .. I am so proud .. shooting guns are like smoking cigarettes .. it makes you looks cool and the chicks dig it .. as the taxi was rolling up to my apartment block, it dawned on me that on this tour I have three bags .. two with me and one still on the bus in Liverpool .. guess where my house keys were ? .. had to get Dennis the maintenance guy to let me into my flat .. he laughed at me .. .. but today was all about my bath .. no shitty venue shower for me today .. but a bath .. not any bath .. but MY bath .. it was nothing short of incredible .. very foamy, very hot and very wet .. and blasting some tunes out .. so then .. bath v shower .. a bath is a relaxing nirvana of bathing splendour and a shower isnt .. nothing better than it .. so busy all day .. but did get to go for a couple of pints of Guinness in the Old Angel the Rescue Rooms with some good pals .. discovered today that the three storey rock club called Edwards No.8 in Birmingham had burned down .. I spent my last New Years Eve there and now all that left of this house of metal is rubble and ash .. a sad day .. So while I was back home in Nottingham the guys were in Liverpool spending their day off .. the highlight of the day was tea and crumpets at John Lennons house made by his mum .. she told stories of the good old days when the Beatles were around .. especially the drunken Texan leg wrestling contests .. unfortunately a laundrette couldnt be located but they band took all their clothes down to bank of the River Mersey to wash them .. all good but when Bubba returned back to the bus he discovered in his huge favourite hoodie, an old rusty bike, a truck tyre, an old boot and the anchor from a Royal Navy aircraft carrier .. but hey he was looking forward to bringing home souvenirs from his visit overseas .. he is from a small town in Iowa .. he is the only person who has ever seen the sea let alone flown in a plane .. when he got his passport it made front page news in the Iowa Times .. so he is a local celebrity who returns with many stories of his adventures .. and this time he will return home with English treasures .. and to celebrate his return from this tour .. from November 20th next year onwards this day in Iowa will be a holiday and known forever as Bubba-day .. to celebrate their one and only great explorer .. that was my day on November 13th 2006 20. OCELOT DAY TWENTY .. woke up at the ungodly hour of 9am feeling tired and a little rough .. had that very slightly dehydrated sensation with a mildly annoying stabbing pain above the right eye .. think I sniffed a wine cork last night .. I leave on the 11:42am train from Shottingham .. with several sizable snoozes my head was clear for my days work ahead .. arriving in Liverpool at 2:29pm .. expecting a hefty taxi (for the Welsh speakers that would be tacsi) cost .. I discovered the venue was right next to the station .. back with a good few minutes to spare on the 3pm load in time .. was great to see the guys after my day away .. right then more about where we are .. Liverpool in Merseyshire in England .. known for The Beatles, the Football team, Cilla Black, Ken Dodd, Ferry Across The Mersey and the spiritual home of car burglary .. main support tonight was Sanzen from my town .. was great to hang with them and see them play .. a good backstage with good shower, humous and wireless interweb .. when loading out the band equipment to the bay under the bus I spotted some muddy animal tracks on the floor .. I took a photo of it with my phone .. then looked it up online .. I guess we had a very rare ocelot stowed away in the bus from mainland Europe .. it mustve run off as no-one saw it unless it was till hiding .. that was my day on November 14th 2006 21. OFF THE GROUND BY HIS THROAT DAY TWENTY-ONE .. Today I wake up in Sunderland in Maccumshire in England .. well known for .. errr .. errr .. f*ckall apart from being hated by the city across the Tyne River, Newcastle which is famous for its Brown Ale .. When we arrived at the venue, we looked through the door and saw a never ending stair case disappear up to the heavens .. nearly two hundred and sixty steps .. our hearts sank knowing the load in would be similar to trying to carry the furniture from your home up the north face of Mount Everest .. it was the hardest of the tour .. during our load in a guy from the business below the venue flipped out at us blocking his entrance .. he offered to fight us all .. Bubba is so tall he picked him up by his ears and reached up to the sky and gaffer taped him to a passing Boeing 747 .. we heard nothing more from him .. Winter has arrived .. I am still wearing shorts as I have done since April .. Im trying to see how long I can do this for .. but dont want my military like determination and stamina to end in frostbite .. For several hours this evening we were confined to the venue as an escaped ocelot was in the area .. we saw it hunted and felled from a tranquilizer dart close to our bus .. none of us had ever seen such a beast roaming free before .. I wonder where it came from ? ... No venue shower again .. the toilets were so cold I had to snap an icicle off the handle to flush the toilet .. During the show Bubba caught a guy trying to steal merch .. this didnt run well with Bubba who took one mighty stride across the venue to pick him four feet OFF THE GROUND BY HIS THROAT .. as the thief was kicked out he bounced down all two hundred and fifty eight steps and rolled out in a broken heap on the street .. I got mistaken for Cliff the singer again today .. but was too busy to start signing autographs .. and onto the potentially worst ever load out .. like the Military Drill Sergeant from Full Metal Jacket .. Bubba co-ordinated all the venue staff and support bands to brilliantly load everything out for us .. result .. but the absolute best bit of the day was eating food from a real plate rather than a takeaway box .. that was my day on November 15th 2006 22. DEAN OF WEDNESBURY DAY TWENTY-TWO .. Birmingham in Brummyshire in England and home to Black Sabbath, Cadburys Chocolate, Slade and the unfortunate recent smouldering ashes of the legendary rock club Edwards No.8 .. across the rest of England the regional accent here is considered to hilarious .. I of course dont find it funny ? .. On a previous visit here summer last year .. after the London bombing the whole country was on red alert for the bomb scares .. the whole city centre had been evacuated by the Police during the show .. we were the last ones .. the sky was full with helicopters .. I heard they had earlier been following a known terrorist and lost him .. serious enough to clear the centre of Englands second biggest city .. we had to get the f*ck outta dodge so just drove like madmen to the motorway .. Today got to the venue to be welcomed by the loading in crew .. we like that so much .. makes the day start and finish much better .. the band and crowd had a great show tonight .. one of the best .. result .. but the star of the night was the drinking machine that is known as DEAN OF WEDNESBURY .. Sat in the pub this evening he asked me if I had seen the head-block .. I answered no .. then he pushed a cigarette up his nose to break the flesh at the top of his nose until only a quarter of an inch is still showing .. he pulled it out covered in blood and smoked it .. also he demonstrated a dozen times dislocating his jaw so he had a diagonal face .. then we had to drink Absinthe .. and after that he arm wrestled the pub .. when my final pint of Guinness was finished I retired to the bus .. that was my day on November 16th 2006 23. UNLIMITED FANTA DAY TWENTY-THREE .. today is Stoke famous for the birthplace of Slash from GnR .. to be more accurate we are in Newcastle Under Lyme which is in Underlymeshire in England .. weather report .. bloody cold and dry .. Woke up with ankle killing .. feels like my Achilles is gonna snap .. cripple again .. No shower or dressing room .. a bit a of crappy day was made a lot more bearable by the friendly venue staff ..In the show .. the band played great but the crowd were just a boring wallflowers .. they pay their money and they stand and stare .. and between each song scream and cheer but then return to their coma while the next song is played .. we have been booked into some odd places on this tour and this is another .. after Weston-Super-Mare, Lincoln and Sunderland we have Newcastle-Under-Lyme .. strange .. but its all part of the great big colourful adventure of touring on the road .. meanwhile back to reality .. salt+gravy+mush= the horrendous Chinese Takeaway which was dinner .. There was only one stage diver today .. he had a very unfortunate ending .. he managed to get to sneak to the side of the stage .. ran like shit off a shovel across the stage .. caught his foot in a loop of Cliff the singers microphone cable .. the guy attempted to stage dive and he achieved full lift-off from the monitor .. but at this moment Cliff turned and pulled his cable .. this guys leg bent in a way which was stomach curdling .. a knee is not suppose to bend sideways and I swear you could hear a crunch in Cliffs microphone .. Cliff is hugely powerful for a man of his height .. we stopped the show for only a few seconds .. Bubba ran over with a bass guitar-case .. he used it to make a stretcher then strapped the kid on with guitar-straps .. he picked up the stretcher and ran to the nearest hospital .. unfortunately the kid is gonna be in a wheel chair for the rest of his life but Bubba was stoked because the venue gave him UNLIMITED FANTA for the rest of the night .. Fanta make Bubba happy .. there was another zebra at the show but was not baring gifts .. how ever the promoter did give us spoons .. with the Muller fruit corner yoghurt I just ate was definitely one of the highlights of the night .. but what just beats that is that the support band were called Ocelot .. only three more days of the tour left .. that was my day on November 17th 2006 24. PIE AND MASH DAY TWENTY-FOUR .. London the capitol if England .. home of the Queen, her corgies, her crown jewellery, cockney rhyming slang and the intricate creative culinary masterpiece of .. PIE AND MASH .. derr .. Bozzy you were right English food is boring .. Miracle .. ankle gone from 25% fit to 85% overnight .. best ever .. We are in Camden and the venue is the Underworld .. nasty load in down the stairs of piss .. when these doors are shut which is 99% of the time it is used by heathen drunk males in need of relieving .. Theyve cleaned the venue the shower since I was last here .. it used to be so filthy you actually wash more dirt on .. the hand-dryer in the backstage toilet starts blowing hot air if theres any movement in the room, you got to be ninja not to set it off .. in the regular mens toilets there was a swarm of flies .. nasty .. Great show .. great crowd .. great venue .. London is always consistently one of the best places in the world for shows .. In the street outside .. some guy had a bottle smashed over his head after he bumped into this gangster wannabe rude boy guy .. This is Camden and there is a complete mixture of people here .. from businessmen and tourists to junkies and beggars .. we smoked a fat one just outside the bus on the street .. witnessed several drug deals go down .. this one guy bought several pills .. ecstasy probably .. swallowed them as he paid .. the three guys of the recreational entertainment narcotic sellers worked as a team just one guy on the corner and two watch-outs .. A few years ago I was here on a tour .. the bus got broken into .. I had a laptop stolen .. You got to be on your guard round here .. Only two days left on this tour .. the last gig tomorrow then the next day is the big flight home .. Must leave straight away as we have to drive to Holland .. on the way out we followed a huge tarantula with woolly gloves on its legs for several miles until we changed direction .. At the end of the night Bubba told of his Dad back in Iowa .. he goes out hunting for Wild Boar .. the freezer is always full and the walls of the house are covered in the trophy heads .. that was my day on November 18th 2006 25. HIGH TIMES DAY TWENTY-FIVE .. During the night we travelled back under the English Channel .. Through the top of France and Belgium and into Holland ..In the morning some of us were up early(ish) to visit a coffee shop .. the one we found was called The Water Pipe in a town called Apeldoorn half an hour away from our town called Hellendoorn.. so me and my comrades ventured forward .. Bubba got excited and went on a spending spree so we got a ton of weed to smoke before the plane the next day .. One rule I stick to is not to smoke until the end of the day when all the work is done .. but this is the last day of the tour and it..s our only date in Holland .. then I got to break that rule .. we got a big bag of Northern Lights and a big bag of Keef (haze & ground up bud) .. and a hash called Ice .. we don..t mix it with tobacco ever .. so it must but smoked neat .. we bought a cheap 4 Euros wooden pipe to see us through to the final day .. HIGH TIMES indeed .. We were still ten miles from the venue and going along a dirt track in the woods .. we were worried we were lost .. but in a gathering in the woods was the venue .. on the track I read a sign for the Dutch National Ocelot Sanctuary .. shame we dont have time to check it out .. The venue had good showers, thai curry, toilet, wireless internet and a very comfortable backstage .. it was a good way to spend the last show of the tour .. Band were great .. typical Dutch crowd .. you have a few peripheral dancers who flap their arms like the wings of hungry seagull chicks .. then you have the people who head-bang without bending their necks they seem to pivot at the ankle .. then you got the guys up front just stamping from one foot to the other with their hands on their hips .. in the pit you get the joust-high-fives .. this involved two people running at each other trying to high five whilst running at great speed .. didnt look so easy but some of these Dutch were masters at it .. smoking continued in the early hours .. and to quote Cliff the singers parting words at the end of the show and tour .. Hey Hey Hey, Smoke Weed Everyday .. will we get through the huge bag before we hit the airport ? find out in the next and final part of this tour diary .. that was my day on November 19th 2006 26. LAST DAY DAY TWENTY-SIX .. We drove overnight from the show in Holland .. down the autobahn to a truck stop (autohof in German) near to Frankfurt Airport .. the Czech company we hired all the band equipment from picked it up first thing in the morning .. So getting back to the weed .. we had to but some rolling papers as the pipe doesnt get through enough of the green !! .. I rolled a couple of fatties and the goodies were gone .. We did good to get through such a huge amount .. Next stop was us all getting dropped of at the airport .. My flight takes off at 4:45pm travels 477 miles then lands in Birmingham at 5:20pm (hour time difference from Europe) .. The bands takes off just ten minutes later but the journey to JFK Airport in New York takes a bit a lot longer .. We say our farewells to Olly the bus driver .. a good guy always laughing unless he doesn..t get to eat lots of meat .. raw or cooked .. he don..t mind .. he is German .. Waiting in the airport I wonder to myself if I am in store for the golf-ball sized cheese roll I had as the in-flight meal on my way here ? .. this year I..ve spent so much time travelling .. done well this year touring Australia and America and looking forward to hopefully returning back next year to both .. And so to my check in .. my luggage bag was scanned .. I could see the image on the screen .. there were microphones and other sound equipment that looked just like a machine gun and hand-grenade .. I couldn..t believe it .. The security guy took one look and dashed off .. I was starting to get worried .. I had nothing to hide but I really didn..t need it the hassle .. I..ve been searched at gun point before (will tell you about it another time) .. when he returned walking behind him were two uniformed Policemen with automatic weapons .. I now expected the worst .. the closer they got the more they stared at me .. shit, arse, piss and shit again .. I thunk to myself !! .. they walked straight passed me and they guy waved me through .. thank f*ck for that !! .. Bubba got approached by a group of German football hooligans .. are they mental I thought .. and the answer was yes .. one by one they went for him and he knocked each of them out with a single punch .. he piled up the bodies afterwards and we counted seventeen .. the Police arrived soon after and to our surprise they were stoked .. and for the second time in just a few days Bubba earned himself unlimited Fanta .. And so it was time to say goodbye to the band as we had to go our separate ways .. Its often sad at the end of a tour as you really bond with people .. to my comrades on this adventure .. god you complain but I love you all and you make me laugh !! .. I don..t think of it as goodbye but merely au revoir or arivadechi .. thanks to Bubba and Dry Kill Logic .. Brendan, Cliff, Jason and Phil .. looking forward to our paths crossing again soon .. I was approaching my gate B33 and spotted off in the distance a Starbucks .. I ran straight over knocking over a group of Japanese octogenarians .. but the Caramel Macchiato was wrong .. it tasted like shit .. I was gutted .. but I knew there was one waiting for me in Birmingham Airport .. I didn..t have the in flight meal of a golf ball sized ham roll and single bar of Twix .. that..s just wrong .. how can a Twix be just one ? .. on landing I raced through passport control, baggage collection and customs to be greeted by an oasis in the desert .. Starbucks and the Caramel Macchiato I craved .. and it was every bit as good as I hoped .. After three trains .. not as bad as it sounds .. back to my home town of Nottingham .. jump in a cab .. back to my block .. up the lift to the fifth floor and into my apartment .. door shut and home again .. that was the end of my tour on November 20th 2006 .. In conclusion .. The best word of the tour .. a sign in Dutch we read last night .. Nooduitgang .. we believe means emergency exit .. but if you say it in a real Californian surfer accent .. it gets a new meaning altogether .. The best food of the tour .. What I listened to the most whilst writing all this nonsense was .. Sanzen, Torche, Botch, Phoenix Bodies, Cave In, Portishead, Isis and Dillinger Escape Plan .. Best food of the tour .. Bradford curry house .. Most watched DVDs on the tour .. Family Guy seasons 4 and 5 .. and the amazing Brother Where Art Thou ... My ankle is fine .. Phil didnt complete the Ausfahrt Challenge .. Bubba loves Fanta .. I am still wearing shorts .. never knew where the ocelot came from .. and drink more wine .. I had an excellent adventure .. I also have a vivid imagination so please dont believe everything I say certain things are fiction .. thank you for reading nearly thirteen thousand words .. if I get some good feedback then I shall do it again