ON THE ROAD WITH THE SUPERSUCKERS January 20th to February 11th 2007 by mark von sound DAY ONE ... I SAY ROUND EM' UP AND SHOOT THE LOT This tour had been going several days before I joined as I'd been in court suing and beating Kerrang! Magazine but that's another story ... I've had my good friend Rich covering the tour so far and today I pick up the baton ... It's 9am and I'm woken up by my annoying phone alarm of the flight of the bumblebee ... Pisses me off enough for me to throw my phone across the room to land perfectly inside a shoe ... So up awake and ready for my adventure to start ... This time with the legendary Seattle band The Supersuckers ... they play rock music how it's supposed to be played ... dirty! .. I'd got my old friend Dale driving the van for this tour ... and got him to pick me up in my home town Nottingham while the band slept in a hotel just outside the city limits ... We returned to pick the band from the hotel but Dale is chatting away and so we miss our turning so we have to go 40 miles out of our way ... doh! .. Today's destination was Wrexham in East Wales ... In all my years of travelling I have never set foot in the town ... And you know what? It's not that bad ... One definite high point was the thatched roofed pub round the corner with it's non stop classic metal jukebox ... In the show the crowd were a very odd ... I don't think they get many bands playing their town ... They kind of flapped there arms to the music like demented seagulls and ran round in circles ... Now then ... I knew the music of this band before the tour but had not seen them live and I have to say they are f*ckig amazing ... I challenge anyone not to be entertained ... But then if you are fronted by the legend who is Eddie Spaghetti you are onto a winner ... Merch guy Danny ... Smashing bloke ... Kind of like a Sergeant Major ... Could just imagine him on the parade ground ... barking orders at nervous unsuspecting fumbling privates ... But was shocked when it came to his choice of DVD ... The Rocky Horror Picture Show ... Now there are many people who go nuts for this movie ... and go to see it a thousand times and wear the costumes etc ... I am nut one of them ... I SAY ROUND EM' UP AND SHOOT THE LOT ... it's utter shit .. I hate it with a passion ... I will steal it from him and I will use it as a drinks coaster in front of him ... It's a shame it's not a video cassette as I would make myself a Rick James wig ... after the show we drive across North Wales to get to the ferry ready to go to Ireland ... It's Dublin tomorrow and that means Guinness ... Tonight I will dream of this wonderful creamy black drink and the many I must consume to satisfy my apatite ... that was my day January 20th 2007 DAY TWO ... YES A DOG ATE HIS FINGER Today started in the very early hours of the morning with our ferry across the Irish sea .. it was pretty damn choppy .. like being on a roller coaster .. the storm force winds were going for it .. people were sliding everywhere .. it was a mess .. the air was pungent with the scent of seasickness .. even though it was cold Dale bought himself an ice cream then proceeded up to the deck from where the wind took the scoop of minty-chock-chip out of the cornet and flew through the air .. as if in slow motion .. it hit Sergeant major Danny straight between the eyes .. Danny was livid with this green goo all over his face .. there was a struggle between the two .. but Danny won .. he picked up Dale and dangled him over the side by his ankles much similar to the alleged story of Dr Dre doing the same to Vanilla Ice .. once Dale had screamed for forgiveness Danny retrieved him back over the railings and onto the deck .. Dale collected his thoughts and finished off his icecreamless cornet .. in the early hours we drive through Dublin looking for somewhere to park and eventually ended up at a truck-stop on the outskirts .. we sleep until early afternoon before heading to the venue .. Dublin is a great town with lots going on but unfortunately it was Sunday .. Sunday Bloody Sunday .. on the way to the show Dale chose a short cut which turned into another one of his long cuts .. but it wasn't so bad as we drove past the Guinness factory five times .. A bad thing that happened today is one of the Supersuckers guitarists Dan (not Danny) dropped a guitar in the sound check .. for those people who know what a Gibson Les Paul Gold Top is will realise the distress this caused .. for those people who don't look it up on Google then pretend you understand and care .. It was this evening behind the merch stall I spotted sergeant major merch Danny only had half of one finger .. being the inquisitive soul I am I had to ask what happened .. well .. back in England he was helping a friend move a fire place .. a large and very awkward fire place .. which while carrying it slipped from their grasp .. Danny came off worst severing to the knuckle the end of one of his fingers .. in obvious shock with blood pissing from his wound .. it took him a minute to bend down to pick it up .. but was beaten to the lifeless limb by a Doberman pincher dog .. who carried it off and ate it in front of him .. un-f*ckingbelievable .. to recap that .. YES A DOG ATE HIS FINGER .. After the show I was enjoying a couple of exquisite pints of Guinness with drummer Scott when we witness someone steal a shirt .. this guy just hightails it out of the venue front door .. I go to follow him I got out on the street and he was gone .. he literally vanished .. I looked both ways and is if like Kaiser Sosa he just disappeared .. We ended the day as we started it .. back the same truck stop .. unfortunately the van has a leak underneath which sucks up the water when it's raining .. this turned much of the floor into a swamp .. oh joy !! .. that was my day on January 21st 2007 DAY THREE .. THE CADBURYS CHEDDAR EGG The drive from Dublin to Cork is a sight to behold .. we drove between some amazing snow-topped mountains with many ruined castles either side of the road .. little did we know what events the day had in store for us .. it wasn't long before we were in the centre of Cork .. knowing we were close but losing our way with the directions we called the promoter who came to show us the way .. as he walked round the corner just knew it was him .. he looked like John Cleese but dressed like Marilyn Manson .. once driving again we turned the corner with only a couple of hundred metres to go to the venue .. in the middle of three lanes disaster struck .. the fuel gauge had been showing a third full .. but then all of a sudden then went to zero and we were out of fuel .. Dale the trooper that he is jumps in a cab to drive to a garage to get a jerry-can full of diesel to restart the vehicle .. but one isn't enough so back in the cab to fill the can up again .. thankfully two was fine to get the engine running again and we follow the same taxi round to the venue .. and of course we tipped him generously .. tonight's food was bad .. this not quite curry not quite Chinese flavourless slop with rice .. but the show was killer .. typical rowdy Irish crowd who had a great time .. I did spot the venues glass collector was dressing from the neck downwards in leather .. she had a very dodgy very long mullet and corpse paint .. don't know many people who turn up for work on a Monday like that .. So show over we are on the road to the next town which is Galway .. after the earlier fiasco we obviously have to stop at the first place to fill the tank .. it was here where we discovered the most wonderful of Easter treats .. THE CADBURYS CHEDDAR EGG .. yes .. a chocolate covered cheese filled egg for the more savoury of us .. the guy behind the counter told us they are only available in Ireland for a short time each year .. I will of course bring a few home for my pals .. As we headed out of town the smell of burning started to come from the engine ... we just couldn't seem to change gear properly .. resulting in the engine over reving ... it seemed the clutch was dead .. stuck at the side of the road in the freezing cold in the middle of nowhere in rural Southern Ireland .. after calling the van company we sat on the side of the road waiting to be towed ... to make the wait more bearable we watched a DVD of the Mighty Boosh and we ate cheese ... We had no knives so we sliced it with a credit card ... a great survival tool .. So two hours passed and a guy showed up in a little van .. he told us no one would recover us and we had to wait until morning in the freezing cold with trucks whizzing past every few minutes just inches away .. the van would get fixed the next day .. do what? .. how dangerous is that? .. you have 24 hour breakdown cover and this is how you get treated .. bullshit I say .. so eventually we get a couple of taxis and head back to Cork to stay in a hotel .. ironically very close to the venue we had played earlier .. I hope the van is OK .. we have left it in the middle of nowhere with all our gear in it .. but we had no choice .. what a day .. as Charlie Brown would say .. Good Grief .. that was my day on January 22nd 2007 DAY FOUR .. SO WHICH CAME FIRST THE BEAR OR THE COCONUT Eventually after the breakdown we got off the road and checked in the hotel ... I got into my room to find the people in the next room were shouting in Russian playing percussion with teaspoons on the coffee cups and seeing how loud they could get their TV ... I complained ... the four foot eleven receptionist stomped up to the second floor ... A single knock on the door followed by some harsh words in a strong unintelligible Irish accent ... then silence .. I could've heard a pin drop ... actually I think I did ... so after just four hours sleep the room cleaner walked straight in my room .. with me in my bed ... she asked me if I wanted my room cleaning? ... I replied ... Yes but not until next week .. get out now .. goodbye and don't slam the door ... Was that rude? ... probably .. but I was tired and grumpy and didn't care .. with our van in the Garage being fixed we are picked up in a nicer newer faster vehicle to take us to Galway ... as drummer Scott climbs aboard for whatever reason thought it was a public bus which would pick up little old ladies to take them back to their villages ... come on ... but in this part of the world it really isn't too far fetched ... back on road we pick our trailer up and restart our previously ill-fated journey to Galway ... A few miles down the road Sergeant Major Danny merch admitted to me that up until the age of seventeen he truly believed that coconuts were bears eggs ... That's the best confession ever .. SO WHICH CAME FIRST THE BEAR OR THE COCONUT .. Just before the band played I over heard an old guy dressed in a safari suit talking about his four sons ... Two are gay and the other two are into sheep ... Apparently they prefer sheep due to the fact they don't answer back ... This made me feel very uncomfortable ... Well the expression ... When in Rome springs to mind ... But on this occasion was not an option ... Tough crowd tonight but Mr Spaghetti and his comrades won them over ... Come and see this band and witness the four fingers of frustration ... Entertainment guaranteed ... Thankfully this venue has it's own house for bands to stay in ... we are so glad to be away from the shitty broken down white van of despair ... When Sergeant Major Danny merch was returning to the house he asked a local girl for a light for his cigarette ... But out of the blue the girls boyfriend appeared ... All red faced and drunk ... With sick in his dreadlocks ... spitting insults at the Sergeant who was not best pleased ... And with one uppercut punch lifted the mouthy idiot clean off his feet ... He flew through the air for a good 30 seconds before landing in a crumpled heap several streets away ... We continued back with no incident ... On returning Sergeant Danny recollected his time in Borneo when single handed he rescued fifty or more Ghurkas taken hostage by local tribesmen ... Once his ammunition had run out ... He ended up using a broken bottle to take out the last of the enemy ... So glad he's on my team ... After a couple of cans of cider I retired to my bed ... that was my day on January 23rd 2007 DAY FIVE .. KEPT HIM IN A DRAW UNTIL THE AGE OF SEVEN Waking up in a real bed was great ... I look across the room and see Dale in his own single bed under the window ... snoring and farting with the duvet sideways over him ... His bare legs sticking out the bottom with black socks pulled up to his knees ... I nearly woke the whole house up with my laughter ... First task is to get Dan's broken guitar fixed which we will pick up the next day ... Then next we head South down to Limerick ... This town has the friendly nickname of ... Stab city ... How inviting ... Hopefully we shall avoid encounters with sharp cold steel ... On arriving at the venue we were stoked to be greeted with a downstairs load in ... Oh joy the 60 steps of despair ... The venue was unprepared for us ... and not set up for a show .. they didn't even know where in the room the band would play .. But I told them how I wanted it and soon whipped it into shape ... Then the phone call we had been waiting for came through that our van was fixed ... A new clutch had been fitted and it was ready to be picked up ... So Dale headed back with the other van back to Cork ... Even though we hate our van we were pleased when he returned arriving just before show-time ... And of course it was good to have Dale back in the fold ... While driving back he could only pick up one radio station ... There was a true story about a woman back in the sixties who had a mentally handicapped baby boy called Jimmy ... It freaked her out so much she KEPT HIM IN A DRAW UNTIL THE AGE OF SEVEN ... confined to a space the size of a draw he only grew to the size of a three year old ... At this point she went to the hospital to give them the child saying unless they take him she would commit suicide ... Two years later the child died then another two years later the mother died ... how about that for a nuts story ... But back to tonight ... drummer Scott left the venue to purchase some cigarettes from a nearby store ... The guy behind him started screaming he had a gun ... Thankfully he was just mad and only made a gun shape with his hand ... But even still you don't need that shit ... it is scary .. chatting to the owner of the venue he told us a couple of months ago a guy came in the with three girls ... one was his sister who wanted to buy booze ... She was refused as she was underage ... The guy angrily told the barman he'd come back and shoot him ... The barman was of course a bit freaked out by this but then soon forgot about it .. but you guessed it ... he did come back ... he did have a gun ... and yes .. he did shoot him ... In fact he shot both of his kneecaps ... The guy is still in hospital ... Onto the show ... Not a great crowd but they don't get many touring bands coming through Limerick ... So we felt like rock'n'roll missionaries taking electric guitar driven rock to the further reaches of civilization ... But tomorrow is a day off ... which we intend on spending back in Galway ... But how this tour is going anything could happen ... and did ... on the way out of Limerick we stopped to fuel up ... then only thirty seconds up the road we smell burning ... No f*ucking way ... Dale looks out of his mirror to see sparks coming from the trailer ... we stop to find we have a flat tyre on it ... after a lengthy look we find the jack ... we change it and continue our journey back to Galway ... just as we entered Galway we spot a fox eating a run over rabbit by the side of the road .. our approach startled the scavenger .. it ran left .. it ran right .. it ran left again .. then a thud under the wheels .. there was nothing we could do .. downer .. but we had a hotel waiting for us ... So all is not so bad ... we had three rooms .. two twins which the band had and a triple which I shared with the Sergeant and Dale .. it was here and now I witnessed the loudest and most disturbing snoring of my life .. the sound was akin to a behemoth prehistoric sabre-toothed baboon letting the whole dinosaur jungle know not to come close .. the room vibrated so much I couldn't see straight .. I wanted to get a bar of soap in a sock and beat him .. similar to Private Pile in Full Metal Jacket ... I put my head under both pilows ... I can see through a gap between them and the bed that Dale has done the same ... eventually through shear exhaustion I fall asleep .. that was my day on January 24th 2007 DAY SIX .. DALE AND BRYAN FERRY After falling asleep at six O'clock in the morning I managed a solid five hours sleep before waking at eleven .. first job was turning on the TV .. the remote didn't work so I had to perform the time honoured technique of taking the batteries out rubbing them and putting them back in .. it now of course worked perfectly .. I change channel to put on Sky news .. there is a guy in Australia who was nearly eaten by a shark .. he literally had his head, shoulder and arm in it's mouth .. certain death .. but no .. the guy stuck his fingers in the sharks eye .. which with the pain opened it's mouth and the guy just managed to swim free .. that's pretty full on .. At this point I shall tell you the visual similarities between DALE AND BRYAN FERRY .. same hair .. same looks .. same white eighties suit with rolled up sleves ... and without doubt the same suave sophistication .. so when I refer to Bryan Ferry during this journal you shall know who I'm talking about ..Today there are beautiful blue skies and the big Irish sun is beaming down .. which means the shorts are out .. even though it's not warm .. my philosophy is that summer is a state of mind .. yeah maaaaan ! .. and also like to get the disapproving looks from the suit and tie guys in the hotel .. As I type this I look out of the window to see the van of despair and disaster staring back at me .. but the good news is that we ditch the cursed thing in three days and move onto a proper bus .. thank god for that .. busses are what I'm all about .. muchly preferable it to the van and hotel scenario .. the sure fire way to get much more sleep .. so everybody is looking forward to the exchange of vehicular transport .. For food at most of the shows we have been given money which is called a buy out .. I haven't had much time to eat out so I've been surviving on making cheese sandwiches everyday from the dressing room food .. so here is our day off and get the chance to go out and eat in a restaurant .. the plan was curry .. but .. on this tour of Ireland there has been very few opportunities to get online .. so today I've been catching up .. at nine-thirty pm I decided to order room service to satisfy my hunger .. the reply was .. sorry sir but the kitchen has shut .. balls I think !! .. and soon discover the only veggie food available was of course .. cheese f*cking sandwiches .. I believe I now consist of 88% cheese sandwich .. with every chance of increasing this tomorrow in Belfast .. at one O'clock in the morning Bryan Ferry, the Sergeant and drummer Scott roll in from the pub .. all drunk and loud .. thankfully they had a couple of cases of beer with them .. so I had to power-drink to catch them up .. Dale passed out in the middle of the mayhem .. spontaneous parties are always the best .. that was my day on January 25th 2007 DAY SEVEN ... MY TINY CLAUSTROPHOBIC COFFIN BUNK So we partied a bit last night ... and my dizzy head confirms this today ... up and out of my comfy hotel bed and into the shower ... my god ! ... it has two temperature settings ... cold and freezing ... I'm not stupid so I choose the cold setting !! ... we all check out of the hotel and I have a fantastic result ... similar to winning the big one on the lottery ... they didn't charge me for my room service cheese sandwich ... getting away with this made me feel like a master criminal ... we get the mended guitar delivered by Carl the Galway promoter ... great guy ... I'm still feeling a bit rough ... we all pile in the van ready to go ... turn the key and nothing ... this pissing van is driving us mad ... but this time it's our fault ... someone had left the lights on from the previous night leaving us with a flat battery ... Carl again is our rescuer ... we get a jump start from his car then begin the journey to Belfast ... in distance it's not bad ... but it takes forever with the road being more winding then a plate of spaghetti ... at this point I retire to MY TINY CLAUSTROPHOBIC COFFIN BUNK for a nap ... I wake as we are driving through Belfast looking for the venue ... I start winding Dale up about being lost ... he loses it and freaks out ... he stops the van and jumps out and starts kicking a road sign ... when he calmed down we drive round the city for another hour before finding the venue ... Today I discovered there is a Japanese Kiss tribute band called ... Mini Kiss ... they are all midgets ... or should I say to be more politically correct vertically challenged ... but how great is that ... I want to tour with them ... I'm not a Kiss fan at all ... but it just sounds like the best job ... each night seeing a midget Gene Simmons ... spitting blood ... singing God Of Thunder ... better than the best ever !! ... So back to the show ... I didn't get chance to go out and eat so yes I did the cheese sandwich thing again ... and I got tested and I'm now 96% cheese sandwich ... Great show ... great crowd ... the best so far ... and what is good for me I'm back here in a couple of months with 36 Crazyfists ... we load out and drive to the nearby ferry port to get the overnight boat which will take us to Scotland for our show in Glasgow tomorrow ... that was my day January 26th 2007 DAY EIGHT ... A SOLITARY PUNCH TO THE THROAT I slept on the ferry and didn't wake up until we were parked at a truck stop on the outskirts of Glasgow ... my bag was locked in the back so couldn't get my toothbrush and Bryan Ferry was nowhere to be seen with the keys ... so from a vending machine in the toilets I purchased this chewy plastic thing that is supposed to brush your teeth ... well ... it's shit ... don't ever buy one ... I can only liken it to chewing a pen top ... and that's just rubbish ... Once in the venue I discovered we narrowly missed getting caught up in a full blown riot between opposing football hooligans ... several streets got closed when the riot police were brought in to break it up ... when it comes to agro they don't do anything by half measures here ... The show ... sold out ... great crowd ... and in the dressing room delicious cheese and crackers ... and the most wonderful shower in recent memory ... We load out through the chaos of Sauchihall Street ... I have never seen so many scantily glad drunken slappers on a cold January night ... all bright orange from their tan in a bottle ... before heading back into the club I treat myself to a bag of chips and ... a pickled egg ... how sophisticated ... So Scott, the Sergeant and I head back into the venue which is now a dance club ... This guy kept bumping and pushing Scott which was obviously pissing him off ... Scott is not a man to take this shit lightly ... so he laid him out with A SOLITARY PUNCH TO THE THROAT ... a security saw this and started chasing him round the club ... I turned round to the Sergeant to tell him what had happened but he had a crowd of hot Scottish girls around him as he gave them a guided tour of his piercings ... finishing with his pierced manhood ... which got an ahhhhh and a wooooh from the girls ... He quickly put it away when he realised we had to help Scott escape ... we were on the balcony ... from the dance floor he'd climbed up a ladder onto the lighting rig in the ceiling ... he spotted us and jumped on a huge mirror ball to come swinging in to land next to us ... we headed for the nearest fire exit ... but security were there waiting for us so we had to run the other way and up several staircases until we got to the roof ... from here there was no escape ... we found another door into the venue so hightailed to it ... narrowly missing the pursuing security who by the look of there steroid red faces were not best pleased right now and would probably tear us limb from limb if they caught us ... the Sergeant used his army training to delay them by deploying a fire hose as a trip wire ... at this point Scott spies our only option which was a laundry shoot ... One by one we dived head first into it ... this hurtled us down seven floors like in a waterless water slide ... We landed in a heap on a pile of towels in the cellar ... I fumbled for my phone to call Dale to get the van running and ready to go ... we manage to find a way get outside ... run round the building jumped in the van and sped off with a dozen or more huge apelike meathead bouncers in hot pursuit ... but they don't give up and keep chasing the van up the street ... Shit ... we come to a red traffic light ... as we approach the lights change through amber to green and we are off into the night ... we got away !! ... eventually we end up at the same truck stop we started the day at ... this would be our last night in the van ... how we hate the van ... just to make me hate the van even more when shutting the sliding door from the inside I cracked my head on it and I knocked myself out cold cutting a gash in my sjull ... with bleeding head in a heap on the floor I came round to realise I hated this vehicle even more ... but this shit shed on wheels was not gonna be in my life for much longer ... which was my parting thought as I fell asleep ... that was my day on January 27th 2007 DAY NINE ... TODAY IS ALL ABOUT THE BUS So here we are still at Bothwell services and again avoid paying the seventeen pound overnight charge ... oh what rebels we are ... after an essential caffeine kick start we head just under one hundred miles down south and over the border from Scotland into the motherland of England ... it was during this journey Dale opened my eyes to the most wonderful of snacks ... Branston Pickle flavoured Mini Chedders ... this is without doubt the Ambrosia of the Gods ... if you ever get the chance ... buy ... eat ... and enter savoury heaven ... my mouth is watering like a Pavlov dog just thinking about it ... Today is Carlisle ... after touring for fifteen years this is my first time ever in this town ... and well it's a bit shit but it is Sunday and everything is closed ... we load in and say goodbye to van ... or rather f*ck off ... Dale heads off back down to London to drop it off ... we won't see him until tomorrow in York ... a couple of hours later our big bus pulls up ... normal reception has been resumed ... bollocks to vans ... I do buses ! ... This bus even has a tour managers office in it for me to work from ... I love it ... We eat average curry then play a show to an average crowd in an average venue ... I get a message from my friend Sara who tells me she's off to see Lionel Richie in concert ... this reminded me of ... Predator 2 ... where the Predator bloke has the room on his space ship where there are shelves full of creature skulls including one of Alien from the movies as of the same name ... I just think Lionel Richie's skull would be a great addition for the trophy skull shelves ... errrr OK ... TODAY IS ALL ABOUT THE BUS ... even if my curtain rail fell off on me three times when we drove over bumps on the road ... that was my day on January 28th 2007 DAY TEN ... SPERM AS VIGOROUS AS HIS Woke up in my bunk ... it's so big I can almost stand up in it ... before getting out I do fifty star jumps ... All that is written on the outside of the bus in hugely massive letters down each side and on the back the words ... The Rock Bus ... The longer this tour goes on the more I find out about my comrades in particular the Sergeant ... he is what is called in the farming business ... breeding stock ... for countless relationships he has sixty two children around the length and breadth of England ... he spends near enough all his time travelling between them making sure they are all OK ... he's probably the most fertile person I have ever met ... he says he's now had the snip but SPERM AS VIGOROUS AS HIS won't let that stop em ... And I have learnt about Dale aka Bryan Ferry aka Lance Corporal Tomlinson ... well he has this mad condition of fast growing finger and toenails ... he has to cut them everyday ... in just a week they can grow longer than an inch ... unless he keeps his toes trimmed his sharp nails cut through his socks ...he's forever throwing them away ... he's even ruined shoes this way ... but if you see him don't mention it to him because he's really touchy about it ... Right where are we? ... York today ... in a great little venue called Fibbers ... not bad for a Monday night ... after the show we checked out a late bar for a drink ... the Guinness was like black dish water ... the clientele were all annoying stuck up posh students and the token old bloke who by the looks of him he'd just lost his job, wife, car and dog ... here drinking his misery away ... I'd had enough when one guy spilled his drink all over my feet ... it was an accident but the drunken baffoon was annoying me ... I had to get out otherwise I would've just seen red and who knows what would've happened ... so we return to the Rock Bus ... smoke a big neat doobie then hit the road and I hit my bunk ... zzzzzzzzzz ... that was my day on January 29th 2007 DAY ELEVEN ... SWEATING CURRY So my first sight of the day was being back in the car park of the venue Rio in Bradford ... mentioned in my previous journal from Dry Kill Logic ... this is not a very picturesque place in fact the derelict sight of broken washing machines and freezers and general refuse everywhere isn't so great but hey you take the rough with the smooth ... So we had a few technical problems in the sound check the worst being the mixing desk for the sound system switched itself off several times which obviously makes the show impossible to do ... so they got a replacement in and doors were delayed but everything got sorted in the end ... show was OK ... band played great ... crowd were average ... but average is good for this town ... oh yeah ... so after the show all loaded out we head off to a curry house called Omars ... Bradford has the best curries in the world ... we were set for a feast of kings ... it was good for us all to sit down together and eat ... this particular curry house is famous for it's table sized naan breads ... their policy is if you can eat a whole one with your meal then you get it for free and they gave you £50 ... my god we were so stuffed and SWEATING CURRY by the end of it ... Eddie, Dan, Scott, Dale, The Sergeant and myself managed it but it was a little too much for Ron who got his in a doggie bag to take away and have for breakfast ... we were so full we had to get a taxi each ... back to the bus ... On returning to the bus we hit the road West to Liverpool stopping at the first services to stock up on cigarettes and snacks ... now then ... Scott has an addiction to Cadburys Cream Eggs ... in the States they are only available at Easter ... but of course in Great Britain we have them all year round ... his favourite movie is Cool Hand Luke ... if you have seen it you will remember the scene when Paul Newman eats fifty hard boiled eggs ... we recreated this will the Cream Eggs ... and he did it ... fifty in a row ... and check this out he even ate a couple extra to show a middle finger to his doubters ... I have to admit he didn't look good after ... from eating more than anyone ever ... it took four of us to pick him up and put him in his bunk ... he was freaking out due to the sugar rush ... all in all a bizarre evening ... topped off from Dale showing us how much his finger nails had grown since the morning ... with my table naan inside me I slept like a log ... that was my day on January 30th 2007 DAY TWELVE ... FOUNTAIN OF PINK PUKE Today is Liverpool ... home to the Beatles and petty crime ... the bands manager Chris joined us today ... and Liverpool gave him a warm welcome by some little chav shits stealing his bag ... yeah ... Eddie walks downstairs to find a grey suitcase being removed from the back lounge on the bus ... he tells me and we both go up the street to find the bag open with clothes strewn across the road ... they were obviously looking for valuables ... and I guess a selection of Hawaiian shirts aren't too easy to sell on ... so thankfully we get everything back ... they could've so easily got his laptop bag but for whatever reason didn't ... it could've been a hell of a lot worse ... and what a first thing to happen to someone who has just flown in from America ... f*cking little bastard kids ... Today's venue is the Academy 2 ... a fantastic place ... good clean showers ... big dressing room ... wireless internet and a great gig room with a superb sound system ... makes the difference not have to deal with shit ... After the show was a spontaneous red wine session ... over the last couple of weeks we had accumulated maybe fifteen or twenty bottles of red wine ... and tonight we drank them ... but at the end of the day wine is just fruit juice ... and can only do you good ... however the FOUNTAIN OF PINK PUKE that Sergeant Major Danny produced made me think it isn't so healthy ... but we keep on drinking until we completed the job we started ... then one by one crawl off to bed ... that was my day on January 31st 2007 DAY THIRTEEN ... THE POWER OF BOOBS CAN STOP FIGHTS In the early afternoon I get up still feeling the slight effects from the wine but thankful for the abundance of water I drank before crashing out ... then I witness one of the funniest sights I have seen in a long time ... the previously mentioned red wine drinking had stained Dales mouth bright red ... and looked more like a baboons arse than a face ! ... Once negotiating the confusing Manchester one-way system we eventually pull up outside today's venue ... oh goody gumdrops a downstairs load in ... good job we don't have that much equipment ... and a nice surprise that my friend the lovely Emma was promoting ... an early show today so we are all loaded up with plenty of time to go and have a beer ... a really old friend of mine called Zacc had just moved to Manchester so I got him down to the show and out afterwards ... and we talked about the good old days ... I've known him so long we both had dreads when I first met him fifteen years ago ... At the aftershow party Dale's friend Dawn from Leeds was there ... aka Dawn Of The Dead ... when a fight broke out between two drunken guys she got between them and to everyone's amazement took her top off to reveal two very large firm breasts ... the guys stopped fighting immediately ... THE POWER OF BOOBS CAN STOP FIGHTS ... she said it's something she has done before to break up brawling drunkards ... and it works ... this got me to thinking how easy it would be to solve world peace ... simply send in buxom ladies to Israel, Iraq and Afghanistan ... they take their tops off and the wars will stop ... soldiers will then realise shooting each other is ridiculous ... I will write to Tony Blair to suggest it ... it's got to be worth a try ... We get back to the bus at two O'clock in the morning to start our journey to the metropolis of culture and sophistication that is Doncaster ... that was my day on February 1st 2007 DAY FOURTEEN ... MUGGINGS Yeah ... Doncaster ... a few years since I was here last ... and nothing has changed ... even the wheelchair superstore is still there across the road ... every size style and colour available ... after sound check myself and Dale disembarked the venue on the quest for cigarettes ... we wondered round this ghost town for ages until we finally got directions to a garage next to some run down tower blocks ... the underpass subway was gated off probably due to MUGGINGS so you have to play frogger with the duel carriage way to get to the garage ... on our return we stopped at the nearby Chinese take-away to get chips ... those of you who don't know the wonders of Chinese take-away chips in England will not know the potato nirvana that can be achieved ... put it on your list of your things to do ... the show was a nice surprise as we were thinking it was gonna be quiet as it's not a regular touring venue I go to ... but the drunken mob of a crowd had a great time ... which in turn made the show great ... but for whatever reason Dale and Dan had a misunderstanding ... like heavy weight boxers they slogged it out in the dressing room ... we watched in amazement ... punches were flying and connecting ... reminding me of the famous movie ... Rumble In The Jungle ... but in the case should be called ... Dumbass Double Knockout in Doncaster ... they both looked like they could go on for hours ... it seemed in slow motion when they both connected with punches to the temple to leave each other knocked out on the floor ... they woke without any signs of permanent damage ... and good friends again ... but had to get back on the case with the fact we had to load in and out up several flights of stairs ... happy happy joy joy ... after the show we drive to my hometown of Nottingham ... to my own bed ... zzzzzzzzzzzzz ... that was my day on February 2nd 2007 DAY FIFTEEN ... VEGGIE SAUSAGE AND MASH Waking up in my own bed is good ... but not after the best nights sleep ... I seem to sleep better in a rocking movingbusses on tour rather than in a still quiet bed ... my local venue Rock City hooked us up great ... it's so nice to feel welcome ... after sound check Dale, Scott and I departed to my local bar who also do food ... the wonders of the English dish of VEGGIE SAUSAGE AND MASH, in Yorkshire pudding with gravy is a true delicacy to behold ... up for the weekend was my friend Dean and a mate of his ... before I got to them they drank a dozen shots of Jagermeister each ... after I got there resulted in Dean's mate throwing up on the floor of my local pub ... I could not believe it ... and made him get a mop and clean it up ... it sobered him up a bit ... just a bit ... he ate a mage uber super huge kebab to soak up the alcohol to avoid anymore projectile stomach explosions ... then much later he hit the dance floor in Rock City for the rest of the night drooling over many glam rock girls ... but before that The Supersuckers show was stomping ... proud of my town ... they brought the best out of the band ... but earlier tonight on the way back from my local pub The Old Angel ... I had the misfortune of walking past the local theatre which had the Rocky Horror Picture Show on ... please check day one of this tour journal for my opinion on this ... I hate the abortion of this so called entertainment ... but here was I in a crowd of men in suspenders and basques ... this was my idea of hell ... these people are the enemy ... I had to get back to the bus before the Timewarp got me ... night two in my own bed ... that was my day February 3rd 2007 DAY SIXTEEN ... FLOATING FACE Birmingham ... home of Slade and the Bullring ... lunch a Greggs ... how sophisticated ... a very upmarket bakery ... the venue has three different rooms we were booked in the middle one but due to the band in the main room we got dumped into the smallest room ... this screwed with our contract and sucked lots ... but we cut a new deal that we were happy with and carried on with the show ... the load in should be included in the Olympics ... the bus was parked in a underground car park beneath and behind the venue ... we carried it for nearly a mile before getting to the venue ... then had to carry it up three flights of stairs ... a true test for the crew ... Before the show I made myself a few minutes to escape round the corner to see Dean Of Wednesbury in the Irish bar Scruffy's for a pint before the show ... it was on my way back I first observed the tramp known as Smithy drunk on the pavement dressed from the neck downwards in urban camouflage ... with the urban concrete jungle of Birmingham city centre he just looked like a FLOATING FACE ... the show was so hot and sweaty ... this place was a sauna ... the band were skidding across the stage but managed just to keep on their feet ... after the show we headed back down to Scruffy's ... but ... NO ... the second we walked in the music stopped and the lights went on signifying the end of beer ... bollocks ... on the way back to the bus we bump into the promoter who reopens the venue for an end of night beer ... much appreciated ... following this we returned to Nottingham for night three in my own bed ... driving back we hit a wall of freezing fog with visibility of just a couple of inches ... damn it was cold ... that was my day on February 4th 2007 DAY SEVENTEEN ... FOR A F*CKING SAMOSA Day off ... first one in ages ... in Nottingham ... didn't hook up with people until 7pm ... I wanted to much earlier but had to have a day on the phone and email ... we rendezvous at the bus to go eat which leads onto the splendours of Nandos ... for Portuguese food ... so damn good ... spicy good-times ... A couple of the guys got hotels ... the fact they were in the Supersuckers meant the hotel gave them a special rate ... the manager is a big fan and was at the front of the show ... then crowd surfed to the bar to do shots ... Back to today ... after food ... Dale, Scott and I went out for drinks ... it was the deadest night I have ever seen the bars in my town ... Scott was not impressed telling me how great Dallas is ... but I choose to think he's just a jinx ... :-D ... we left the Rescue Rooms which is one side of Rock City with the bus the other ... Scott was hungry so was took a detour for food ... he and Dale needed a piss ... so each had one side of a doorway ... they assure me they never crossed swords and I believe them ... so they finished and walked out the door way as a police van drove round the corner ... they were busted ... Dale moved down the street quickly but Scott followed the van up as he knew they wanted to talk to him ... he was shitting it ... big time ... in the states this crime is more serious then it is in England ... but still it's not right ... so I walk up the street and even though I was nothing to do with the crime got in between Scott and the police ... this needed to be sorted with out Police cells involved ... I said sorry half a dozen times got told I was a disgusting pig and to go home now ... I said thanks ... they got in their van and drove off ... and I thought ... thank f*ck for that and wondered down to the chippy at the bottom of the street so the hungry Scott could buy a ... solitary veggie samosa ... yes we had a brush with the law FOR A F*CKING SAMOSA ... so as I type this I am back at my house for the fourth night in a row in my own bed ... fluked it ... that was my day on February 5th 2007 DAY EIGHTEEN ... I WISH VERY BAD THINGS ON HIM Leave Nottingham to arrive in London at the Camden Underworld at four pm .... ... at a minute past four a traffic warden appears to tell us we can only load between ten in the morning and four in the afternoon ... we were just one minute passed this ... he says rules are rules and we must park down the street and load across a busy road ... what an absolute shit ... as soon as we were all in the venue and away from the bus he came back and gave us a ticket ... bastard ... we parked where he told us to park ... it's no surprise these creatures are hated so much ... our ticket was for £50 ... I WISH VERY BAD THINGS ON HIM ... The load in is down stairs of piss as described in previous journals ... however it is one of my favourite places to play and always a great gig ... I hooked up with some good friends tonight ... Dino over from Athens Greece ... Amy from Australia and Jerry Lee Lewis ... killer show ... always an amazing crowd here ... after the show the best falafel I've ever had in England just across the road before we start our journey out of the UK to the first of our mainland European shows in Holland ... before we got to Dover I crashed out ... zzzzzzzz ... that was my day on February 6th 2007 DAY NINETEEN ... GET BACK IN YOUR KITCHEN Today is a sad day ... we have lost Sergeant Danny on merch ... he hasn't yet got a passport so cannot do the four mainland European shows that complete this leg of the tour ... manager Chris will take over full merch duties for the remainder of the shows ... the Sergeant will be sorely missed ... he is a larger than life character and a valued member of the Supersuckers travelling circus ... I wake up to see a canal next to the bus ... and so I knew immediately I was in Holland ... in the town of Utrecht near the German border ... after wandering the town for a bit and drink some coffee so strong you could stand a spoon up in it ... Get back and load in and start the everyday chores like sound-checking ... which followed not long after by the in-house food from the in-house chef ... we were starving and so had been looking forward to eating for hours ... and put in front of me was a pile of sticky boiled rich a few limp green beans and a grey boiled egg ... we are not usually that fussy ... but this isn't good enough ... to be honest ... this is shit ... so I tell the chef ... he takes it personally and starts insulting England ... a few minutes later ... the chef walks out of the kitchen to bring more plates of slop to other poor unfortunate victims ... as he walks passed me he snaps at me the Supersuckers is the right name for us cause that's what we are ... I complained to the promoter ... which made chef shout at me ... if I have a problem speak to him direct ... but as he was so rude and unprofessional I chose to speak to his boss ... I wasn't interested in what this prima-donna pot washer had to say ... and snapped back at him ... GET BACK IN YOUR KITCHEN ... I didn't hear another peep out of the fool for the rest of the day ... we didn't eat his disgusting food and instead got money to go and buy whatever food we wanted elsewhere ... but anyway ... good show ... loading out I Cut my knuckles loading the bus so it looks like I'd been fighting the chef ... the day was topped off by finding an Irish pub for a Guinness served by a guy who looks identical to Bez from the Happy Mondays ... walking back to the bus the temperature had dropped way below zero ... with the freezing fog we nearly walked straight into the canal ... but eventually found the bus just before we froze to death ... the bus heaters had packed in so we were all wrapped in duvets huddled around a fan heater to alive ... that was my day on February 7th DAY TWENTY ... THE END OF LEVEL BOSS I got up all bleary eyed to look out of the front window of the bus to see everything under several feet of snow with a blizzard in full swing ... here we were in Nijmegen ... pronounced ny-meg-en ... it was more like Siberia outside ... we had to dig our way into the venue ... then used a pack of husky dogs to drag the gear through the snow from the bus to the loading door ... the local Dutch Eskimos were more than helpful ... The in-house sound engineer was a girl and introduced herself as Honey but with her accent it sounded like she said ... I am horny ... I nearly chocked on my coffee ... Today was only the fourth time in three weeks I'd eaten hot food off a proper dinner plate ... for a change I felt nearly civilized ... The support band were called the Spades they were loud, rude and arrogant ... the singer said he was a local TV celebrity and he had the over-inflated ego to match ... we get on great with everyone on the road but these guys thought they were so special ... what comes around goes around and they'll get their comeuppance in the end ... After the show the bands manager Chris had a couple of beers and proceeded to take on all the venue staff and crew at arm wrestling and beat the lot ... he don't look that strong ... but he's a pitbull when he gets going ... well actually there was one guy he didn't beat ... his name is Jorris ... pronounced Yorris ... real name Chuck Jorris ... this guy had been a mercenary fighter in South America before returning back to Holland to protect his mother from local gangsters and street kids ... he was a martial arts black belt ... part of the venue had six levels which they use for training ... with the ground floor for the beginners ... Chuck was resident on the top floor and had been unbeaten for three years ... all the other martial artists knew him as ... THE END OF LEVEL BOSS ... We dug the bus out of the snowdrift in the car park to slowly drive overnight to the next show ... that was my day on February 8th 2007 DAY TWENTY-ONE ... HOTH TO TATOOINE During the night I dreamt Johnny Depp was on our the bus being sick into an ice bucket ... when I awoke the snows had melted ... within hours we had gone from Winter to Spring ... or even HOTH TO TATOOINE ... which even though snow is great ... the only footwear I had was slip on vans ... not really suitable when the snow is up to your knees ... Today is the penultimate show of this leg of the tour which is in Antwerp in Belgium ... On the internet today was news of Anna Nicole Smith who died the previous night ... aged thirty nine ... she married a millionaire Oil Tycoon when he was eighty nine before him dying just a year later ... his millions became a huge legal issue between her and his son ... well his son died a year after she got the money ... she had her own son who has also since died ... and now she's gone too these millions and millions of dollars seem cursed ... and to make it even more of a soap opera she has a baby daughter with three different men claiming to be the father ... I guess they want the money ... but surely it would mean death for them also ... Back to today ... great show ... crowd were a bit lame ... was good to see Amy again who was also at the London show ... her was brother was with her ... he was over from the Gold Coast of Australia ... the previous day was the first time he'd ever seen snow ... he said he was dancing in a blizzard in his underwear ... utter madman ... The second the band had left the stage at the end the crowd was herded out so they could re-open the room for a drum and bass night ... Goldie was DJ'ing ... this is my idea of hell ... he walked in a full length fur coat with eight huge bodyguards ... I smelt a massive ego which was my queue to leave ... we load the bus and get away from the rave like pulsating room ... with the this leg of the tour nearly over we're all ready for some home comforts ... not long to go now ... that was my day on February 9th 2007 DAY TWENTY-TWO ... SLAM DUNK BASKET AFTER BASKET I wake up with the bus in the indoor car park of today's venue ... which is back in Holland in Haarlem just West of Amsterdam ... I love the way Dutch people pronounce The Supersuckers ... Shooopashuckesh ... yesh crazshee ... So yeah Haarlem ... home to the World famous Haarlem Globe Trotters basket ball team ... the venue was part of a sports complex which was also the home to the team ... before sound check we watched them practice ... a couple of the team were big Supersuckers fans ... and for a laugh they challenged us to a game ... we were pretty out of shape but accepted the offer ... at the end of the halftime we were heavily down in points ... they were running rings round us which I guess they should ... in the second half we brought the man himself Eddie Spaghetti onto the basketball court ... I've never seen anything like it ... again and again he'd beat their whole team and SLAM DUNK BASKET AFTER BASKET ... when the final hooter blows we had beaten them by just one solitary point ... single handedly down to Eddie who still wore his cowboy hat and sunglasses during his basketball master class ... And so at ten thirty tonight the band hit the stage for another storming sold out show ... throughout their set the room was raining plastic pint glasses ... there were times when guitarists Dan Thunder Bolton and Ron Trose Heathmen used their instruments like baseball bats to hit back these empty drinking vessels ... huge cheers would echo around as the bar staff caught them behind the bar at the back of the room ... and there you have it leg one of the Supersuckers European tour ... countries completed England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales, Holland and Belgium ... the next run of shows are in Southern Europe ... which will be my next journal ... that was my day on February 10th 2007 DAY TWENTY-THREE ... RETURNED TO MY NEST My day starts saying my goodbyes to the band at Schipol Airport in Amsterdam ... but not for long as we'll be back on the highways of Europe in just a short time ... then my fifteen hour journey home back to Nottingham ... we head south through Belgium to France to return on the Calais to Dover ferry ... starving hungry we hit the caf.. upon boarding ... I couldn't believe it ... the only food was boiled white rice ... limp green beans and grey boiled eggs ... had the cook from the Utrecht venue got a new job? ... would I have to tell him to get back in his kitchen again? ... but wait ... a big tray of chips comes out which saves the day ... After the ferry we drive up through England ... It's now eleven O'clock at night I'm back home RETURNED TO MY NEST ... and I type this in my fifth floor apartment on my chocolate brown sofa ... looking out of the window sleet is falling from the sky ... In reflection on the tour ... it's been a real blast ... we've had a few disasters and we've also laughed a lot ... The Supersuckers are bloody nice chaps and I look forward to the next adventure ... the crew Dale, The Sergeant, Chris and driver Kevin were all great ... good times ... The soundtrack of the tour is ... Don't Stop Me Now by Queen ... I was also very impressed that the band watched and loved the British TV comedies The Mighty Boosh and The League Of Gentlemen ... At the end of the day all in all it's been bloody marvelous ... I had an excellent adventure ... I also have a vivid imagination so please dont believe everything I say certain things are fiction